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Band 4.5

Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organisation. Do the advantages for people working for their own business outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #business #company #organisation
In
this
 growing world, many
people
 are not satisfied with the pay that the companies provide them.
Due to
 the
increase
Replace the word
increased
show examples
 demand
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 every employee's necessities, they opt to start up a
business
 rather than working drastically from employment. Partially, initiating a
business
 takes more time to succeed for some
people
 and sometimes
take
Correct subject-verb agreement
takes
show examples
 them multiple moments of failure before
suceeding
Correct your spelling
succeeding
. They don't have enough capital required for the expenses that
keeps
Change the verb form
keep
show examples
 them
to maintain
Change preposition
from maintaining
show examples
 the
business
. An example
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 local businesses which are having a hard time selling their products
and
Correct word choice
which
show examples
require
Correct subject-verb agreement
requires
show examples
 them to double their effort to market in competing with huge and established companies.
Therefore
, they prefer to apply for employment and rely on the income they receive from the companies that they
working
Wrong verb form
work
show examples
 with.
However
,
salary
Correct article usage
the salary
show examples
 from employment does not meet the
people
's everyday needs. Employees who work in an urbanized area spend more money than it's income in the Philippines
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 during
inflation
Add an article
the inflation
show examples
 period.
This
 is
due to
 the
rents
Fix the agreement mistake
rent
show examples
 and the groceries that are more expensive.
Hence
,
people
 will prefer to have their own
business
 and optimistically earn
higher
Add an article
a higher
show examples
 income than how much they get from the company they are employed with.
Also
,
people
 organizing the
business
 they are passionate about will opt to keep it rather than
serving
Wrong verb form
serve
show examples
 the organization. Doing what they love will help them work longer because for them no matter how hard or how draining their job is, it will not affect them negatively.
To conclude
, one of the advantages of working as an employee is that it will fairly provide them directly
the
Change preposition
with the
show examples
 money they need for their demands.
However
, some bravely initiate and run their own
business
 not just because it's their passion but
also
,
this
Correct word choice
because this
show examples
 will sustain their future.
Submitted by dhowardjacob on

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relevant specific examples
Work on providing more specific examples to support your points. This will make your arguments stronger and more persuasive.
clear comprehensive ideas
Aim to clarify and elaborate on your ideas to ensure they are easily understood by the reader.
supported main points
Ensure that your main points are consistently well-supported and connected to your argument.
complete response
Your essay provides a complete response to the task by addressing both the advantages and disadvantages of starting a business versus working for a company or organization.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which makes it easy to follow.
logical structure
Your logical structure generally flows well, making the progression of ideas clear.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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