IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians, or sports stars are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of jobs should be highly paid?

#people #entertainers #film #stars #pop #musicians #sports #money #jobs
It is a common belief that celebrities including movie stars, entertainers, and athletes are receiving more money than they deserve.
This
 essay will shed light on the reasons why I strongly advocate
with
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apply
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this
 statement before discussing other careers that I believe should be paid more generously. There are two reasons I believe those household names are earning more income
that
Correct word choice
than
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 they should. First and foremost,
although
 the entertaining value they bring is enjoyable, it is disproportionate to the real assets they can provide.
For example
, a good song cannot cure diseases, or watching a TV show cannot help families make ends meet.
Furthermore
,
by
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apply
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paying those renowned individuals too high, it might have
detrimental
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a detrimental
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 influence on
the
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apply
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young people.
Instead
 of trying to focus on education and a solid career path, many youngsters nowadays are inclined to
being
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be
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 under the spotlight. Indeed, there
have
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has
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 been an increase in
number
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a number
the number
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 of teenagers creating
Tiktok
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TikTok
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 accounts and the time spent on social media is rising as opposed to that of studying.
Moreover
, there are several other professions that I believe should be earning higher. Primarily, those who work in healthcare deserve better
renumeration
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remuneration
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. In fact, the
effort
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efforts
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 of those healthcare workers have been in the
spot light
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spotlight
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 recently, especially after COVID-19, when they became the frontline forces regardless of the infection risk.
Thus
, it is indispensable that they should be earning more. Another occupation that should be considered for a higher
payrate
Correct your spelling
pay rate
 is the municipal hygiene workers, namely the street cleaners. Without their dedicated work, the city would be full of
trashes
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trash
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 and the views would not be as pleasant.
Hence
, a higher compensation would be an encouragement for the ones who keep the city clean. In conclusion, I agree that famous people are earning too much money, especially when their products are not essential, and it may encourage
the
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apply
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juveniles to turn away from proper education.
On the other hand
, there are several professions
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
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 should be rewarded with higher incomes, including medical
personnels
Correct your spelling
personnel
 and hygiene officers.
Submitted by kimtruong270192 on

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task achievement
Ensure that all ideas are fully developed and support them with more specific examples where possible. For instance, instead of general statements about social media usage, you could provide statistics or specific studies to back up your claims.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that transitions between ideas are smooth and that each paragraph logically follows from the one before it. This can be achieved by using more transitional phrases and linking words.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear and concise introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame the argument effectively.
clear comprehensive ideas
The ideas presented are generally clear and comprehensive, and the essay provides a complete response to both parts of the question.
logical structure
Main points are supported with explanations, and the essay stays on topic throughout, demonstrating good coherence and cohesion.

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