IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Due to high unemployment rate in some countries, pupils should be offered only primary education and not secondary education since there are no jobs. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#unemployment #rate #countries #pupils #education #jobs
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There is no doubt, that in some regions people can not find jobs and the idea of limiting
a
Change the article
the
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 number of students who can get secondary
education
Use synonyms
 is discussed in society.
This
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 trend is negative, which I will explain
further
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.
To begin
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 with, as a disadvantage of lowering
volume
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the volume
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 of
individuals
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studyed
Correct your spelling
studying
in
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at
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universityes
Correct your spelling
universities
, decreasing their chances
on
Change preposition
of
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 finding a job will be considered.
For instance
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, in Africa the unemployment rate is extremely high,
however
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 many enterprises can not find employees from
local
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the local
a local
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 market.
This
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 is because
,
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apply
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 unemployed
individuals
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 do not have
apropriate
Correct your spelling
appropriate
education
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 and hiring companies complain
on
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about
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lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of professionals. Alternatively, if locals had enough knowledge they would
substitude
Correct your spelling
substitute
foreing
Correct your spelling
foreign
 workers. So, the implementation of restricting advanced studying may worsen the situation of
unemployment
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the unemployment
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 rate.
In addition
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, higher
education
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empower
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empowers
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 students, leading in some cases to
creation
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the creation
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new
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of new
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work places
Correct your spelling
workplaces
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, and the shortage of educated
individuals
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 will not improve
Add an article
the labor
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labor
Change the spelling
labour
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 market. To illustrate
this
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, in Kazakhstan, Mihail Lomtadze
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
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recieved
Correct your spelling
received
 the Harvard diploma and founded the Kaspi
high tech
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high-tech
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 company where thousands of people work.
In other words
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, in order to decrease
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 unemployment rate, governments should
rise
Correct your spelling
raise
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number
Change the article
a number
the number
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 of educated people who can found
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
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 companies
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 and should not do
vise
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vice
show examples
 versa. Without good
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education
Add a comma
education,
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 an individual may establish only
primitive
Correct article usage
a primitive
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 company, which will not comprise
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
many employees. In conclusion, I disagree with the argument, that secondary
education
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 should not be offered since there are no jobs. It is hard to deny, that uneducated candidates may find vacancies more difficult than
individuals
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 with a diploma.
Moreover
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, new
work places
Correct your spelling
workplaces
show examples
 may not appear.
Submitted by sergeybelov83 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure, but try to focus more on developing each main point and providing specific examples to support each idea. This will help strengthen your argument and make your essay more persuasive.
grammar
There are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasings throughout your essay. Consider proofreading and refining your sentences for greater clarity and correctness.
task achievement
While you have addressed the prompt, try to provide a more nuanced discussion, including potential counterarguments. This will show a deeper understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clearly presented, which shows a good understanding of essay structure.
task achievement
The ideas in your essay are relevant to the prompt, and you provide logical reasoning to support your opinions.
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