IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say History is one of the most important school subjects. Other people think that, in today's world, subjects like Science and Technology are more important than History. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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It is believed that
students
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 must study
History
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 as it is extremely crucial for
school
Correct article usage
the school
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 curriculum. Others stick to the point that nowadays there are other subjects
such
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 as
Science
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 and
Technology
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 that are more significant rather than
History
Use synonyms
.
While
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 knowledge of
Science
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 and
Technology
Use synonyms
 leads people to a bright future, I tend to think that through
History
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 we are able to broaden
the
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our
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 horizons in different ways. On the one hand,
History
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 means
exploration
Correct article usage
the exploration
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 of events that happened a long time ago,
whereas
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Science
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 and
Technology
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 can create a new future through innovations, discussion etc.
That is
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 why most
students
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 are not willing to study
History
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 and
this
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 subject does not give them a lot of opportunities for a career path.
For instance
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, it is known that there are various fields in
Science
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 and
Technology
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 with
a
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apply
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sufficient payment, so it is easy for
students
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 who have a lot of insights
in
Change preposition
into
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 these fields to find an appropriate job rather than those who are keen on
History
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.
However
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, I believe that learning
History
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 in schools has its own benefits.
On the other hand
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,
History
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 helps us immerse ourselves in the time when our ancestors
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
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lived. By exploring their actions, we can recognize how we
come
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came
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 up with all of
this
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 that has today.
In addition
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, it helps
students
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 to improve their memory, analyze a situation etc. Take
for example
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the
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apply
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World War 1 or 2, thanks to
the
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apply
show examples
History
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,
students
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 increase their awareness of the horrible things that occurred in that time so perhaps
students
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 will be against the war. I believe that
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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the advantages of learning
History
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 are endless.
To conclude
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, despite the fact that our future depends on
Science
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 and technological development, I do think that
History
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 is playing an important role
for
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in
show examples
 developing memory skills and providing
students
Use synonyms
 with information about historical times in order to understand society and themselves.

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task achievement
Your essay addresses both views and provides your own opinion, which is excellent. However, to improve task achievement, consider providing more specific examples or evidence to support your points on both sides of the argument. For instance, mention particular technological advancements or specific historical events and their impacts more concretely.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which is great. To improve coherence and cohesion, make sure each paragraph flows smoothly to the next by using more transition words. It helps to maintain the reader's focus and make your argument more cohesive. Also, try to maintain a consistent structure in the body paragraphs to support your points more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay maintains clarity by avoiding small grammatical errors and awkward phrasings. For better cohesion, connect ideas within paragraphs more effectively. For instance, the transition from discussing jobs in Science and Technology to the benefits of studying History in the second paragraph could be smoother by briefly acknowledging both points of view before detailing them.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly sets out the debate and your position, which immediately gives the reader a good understanding of your essay's purpose.
task achievement
You provide a balanced view by discussing both sides of the argument before concluding with your own opinion, which is crucial for this type of essay.
task achievement
Your conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points and reinforces your position effectively, which leaves a strong final impression on the reader.
coherence cohesion
Paragraphs have a logical structure, and each paragraph is focused on a single main idea, which helps in maintaining clarity.
task achievement
The use of examples like World War I and II effectively illustrates your points about the importance of history.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • crucial
  • comprehend
  • retrospect
  • gain insights
  • reflect on
  • sharpen
  • evaluate
  • significance
  • heritage
  • legacy
  • advent
  • breakthroughs
  • sustain
  • sustainability
  • revolutions
  • empowered
  • overcome
  • transform
  • advancements
  • collaboration
  • cooperation
  • diversity
  • fulfilling
  • promote
  • facilitate
  • prosperity
  • enhance
  • foster
  • foundation
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