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Writing Samples
Band 5

People drink more and more sugar-based drinks. What is the reason why more and more people consume suger-based drinks? How to reduce the consumption of sugar-based drinks?

#people #drink #drinks #reason #consumption
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Over the
last
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 few decades,the percentage of drinking some edible which includes sugar has risen dramatically.
In other words
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,these days,more and more
people
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 are consuming a considerable amount of Coke or sugary
drinks
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 which are so damaging.In
this
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 essay,I will address some reasons for drinking these unsuitable
drinks
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 and
also
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 I will propose some effective ways in order to decrease the usage of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sweet
drinks
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. Let's begin by looking at some reasons for consuming sugar-based
drinks
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.
Firstly
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,the price of
this
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 edible might be less than other healthy
drinks
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.
That is
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 to say,the majority of
people
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 may prefer to drink harmful sugar-based
drinks
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 regardless of their disadvantages
due to
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 their lower costs.
Secondly
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,the taste of sugar-based
drinks
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 might be more delicious and sweeter than other
drinks
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such
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 as milk or tea.
This
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 is because why most
people
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 tend to drink them
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
.
Although
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 some
people
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 are aware of the demerits of soft
drinks
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,they are into
use
Change the verb form
using
show examples
 them because of their cheapness and taste. Turning to the other side of the argument,how
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society can tackle
this
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 problem and reduce the consumption of destructive
drinks
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?One of the main effective ways is for the
government
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 to inform
people
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 about the drawbacks of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sweet
drinks
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.If the populations who have got used to
consume
Change the verb form
consuming
show examples
 sugar-based
drinks
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 know about the disadvantages of them,they will not tend to purchase them and drink them.
Moreover
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,another striking way to decline the usage of sugar-based
drinks
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 is that the
government
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plummet
Wrong verb form
has plummeted
show examples
 the amount of advertisements for some companies which manufacture
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sugary
drinks
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.Take Pepsi as an example.In
this
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 case,not only can not
people
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 be aroused to buy sugar-based
drinks
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,but
also
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 they will be motivated to follow a strict diet in order to be healthy.
To conclude
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,there is no doubt that nowadays more and more
people
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 are drinking some damaging
drinks
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such
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 as sugary ones.
However
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,
people
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 can reduce the amount of consumption of
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this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 dietary
drinks
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 with the help of the
government
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.
As a result
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,the proportion of drinking sugary
drinks
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 will remain unchanged unless both folk and the
government
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 consider its problems.
Submitted by TUTOO on

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task achievement
Try to provide more relevant specific examples to strengthen your arguments. For instance, you can cite studies or statistics to back your claims about the cost and taste preferences of sugar-based drinks.
task achievement
Work on improving the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas. Make sure your points are stated clearly and delve deeper into each reason and solution.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your paragraphs flow smoothly. You can achieve better transitions by using appropriate linking words or phrases between sentences and ideas.
coherence cohesion
It would help to break long sentences into shorter ones for better readability. Also, improve punctuation by adding spaces after commas and periods.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction clearly states the issue and what the essay will cover, which draws the reader in and sets the context well.
introduction conclusion present
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and restates the importance of addressing the issue, reinforcing your argument.
logical structure
You have provided some logical structure to your essay with distinct sections addressing causes and solutions.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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