IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The line chart details participants according to activity at a social center in the Australian city of Melbourne from 2000 to 2020.

#line #participants #activity #center #australian #city #melbourne
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The given line graph illustrates data about the
amount
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of
members
Use synonyms
 for various activities in Melbourne, Australia between 2000 and 2010 at one social
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
.
Overall
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 the given information, there was a substantial difference among these activities. They ranged from 0 to 65
participants
Use synonyms
 per activity. On the one hand, the film club led the attendance chart with 64
people
Use synonyms
 in 2000.
Besides
Linking Words
, musical performances did not attract any
members
Use synonyms
 in the same year until 2005.
Secondly
Linking Words
, these hobbies tended to increase
at the end
Linking Words
 of the year 2020, except
with
Change preposition
for
show examples
 amateur dramatics. In 2000, Amateur Dramatics had over 25
participants
Use synonyms
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and continuously grew to 28
members
Use synonyms
 in 2005.
However
Linking Words
, the number of
people
Use synonyms
 went down significantly, to only about 5
people
Use synonyms
 in 2020.
Moreover
Linking Words
, martial arts had a larger number of
participants
Use synonyms
 than table tennis with about 20
people
Use synonyms
 in 2000.
However
Linking Words
, they intersected near the beginning of 2015 with a number of
participants
Use synonyms
 ranging from 33 to 34
people
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
, table tennis climbed to 52
members
Use synonyms
 in 2020, leaving martial arts with a barely increased membership of 34
members
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by chartakinnovation on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
In the introduction, improve clarity by specifying that the graph shows participants according to activities. You could rephrase it slightly to make it even more precise.
coherence cohesion
Consider adding a summarizing conclusion to better encapsulate your points and provide a final perspective on the data presented.
task achievement
Try to provided a bit more detailed comparison or analysis of the trends for all activities to strengthen the overall response.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured and logically organized, providing a clear and coherent response to the prompt.
coherence cohesion
The writing is clear and fluent, with good use of vocabulary and grammatical structures to accurately convey the trends shown in the graph.
task achievement
The essay includes specific numbers and years, enhancing the explanations and supporting the main points effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: