Professional sports people are often idolised by young children. Some people think that they therefore have a responsibility to be good role models at all times for children. Do you agree or disagree?

Generally speaking,
sports
coaches have a positive impact on
individuals
. Specifically, they tend to be popular among young
children
. It is suggested that professional
sports
people
should consistently act as
children
’s good role models, which is a part of career responsibility.
This
essay will strongly agree with
this
claim, justified by several reasons.
To begin
,
sports
coaches can facilitate
children
’s safe practice in
sports
.
This
means that they can model safe physical exercises and
workout
Fix the agreement mistake
workouts
show examples
.
For instance
, qualified
sports
practitioners are capable of guiding
children
through
practicing
Change the spelling
practising
show examples
correct physical moves and stretches. If
children
copy these,
this
will ensure that they do exercises properly without getting injured.
Similarly
, when it comes to
workout
Fix the agreement mistake
workouts
show examples
,
sports
athletes
also
play
an
Change the article
a
show examples
pivotal role in
children
’s
sports
learning within safety.
Children
would observe and learn from coaches’ model
workout
Fix the agreement mistake
workouts
show examples
,
such
as weight lifting and ropes jumping. Through several guided sessions,
children
would positively form a good habit of safe
workout
Fix the agreement mistake
workouts
show examples
.
Additionally
, professional
sports
workers may motivate young
people
to actively participate in
sports
. These professionals can show young
people
how they are physically fit, and
this
drives them to do
sports
to achieve similar results. In China, most coaches appear physically strong and mentally resilient. Most young
individuals
are inspired by their active and positive energy
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
so
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they are motivated to play
sports
and become as strong as their PE teachers.
This
often ends up
young
Change preposition
with young
show examples
people
practice
Wrong verb form
practising
show examples
sports
regularly to keep fit.
In other words
, the more inspired
sports
workers are, the more
sports
young
people
will be committed to. In conclusion, it is obvious that professional
sports
individuals
have the capacity to positively influence
children
in terms of playing
sports
. In most cases, they are admired by young
individuals
. Several experts claim that they should be their role models from time to time, considered as one of their professional
responsibility
Fix the agreement mistake
responsibilities
show examples
, and I highly agree with
this
due to
their efficacy in terms of safe
sports
practice and motivation to do
sports
.
Submitted by junjiehong94 on

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Introduction
While your introduction clearly states the topic and your stance, adding a bit more detail to outline the main reasons for your agreement would make it stronger and more compelling.
Task Achievement
Ensure that the reasons presented in the body paragraphs directly support the thesis statement. Also, make the distinction between the impact of sports 'coaches' and 'professional sports people' clearer since these terms are used interchangeably.
Coherence and Cohesion
The body paragraphs could benefit from more explicit topic sentences that directly indicate support for responsible behavior by professional sportspeople as role models. This would enhance clarity and coherence.
Language Use
Rephrase some sentences to avoid repetition and improve flow. For example, 'most coaches appear physically strong and mentally resilient' can be rephrased to 'many coaches exhibit physical strength and mental resilience'.
Task Achievement
Expand on the example given about China by explaining how these coaches' behaviors are impactful beyond just physical training.
Task Achievement
The essay successfully identifies two key roles that professional sportspeople can play: facilitating safe practice and motivating children to participate in sports.
Conclusion
The conclusion wraps up the essay well by summarizing the main points and reinforcing the writer’s stance.
Coherence and Cohesion
The structure of the essay flows logically from the introduction to the conclusion.

Your opinion

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