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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Professional sports people are often idolised by young children. Some people think that they therefore have a responsibility to be good role models at all times for children. Do you agree or disagree?

#sports #people #children #responsibility #role #models #times
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Generally speaking,
sports
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 coaches have a positive impact on
individuals
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. Specifically, they tend to be popular among young
children
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. It is suggested that professional
sports
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people
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 should consistently act as
children
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’s good role models, which is a part of career responsibility.
This
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 essay will strongly agree with
this
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 claim, justified by several reasons.
To begin
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,
sports
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 coaches can facilitate
children
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’s safe practice in
sports
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.
This
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 means that they can model safe physical exercises and
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workout
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workouts
show examples
.
For instance
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, qualified
sports
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 practitioners are capable of guiding
children
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 through
practicing
Change the spelling
practising
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 correct physical moves and stretches. If
children
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 copy these,
this
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 will ensure that they do exercises properly without getting injured.
Similarly
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, when it comes to
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workout
Fix the agreement mistake
workouts
show examples
,
sports
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 athletes
also
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 play
an
Change the article
a
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 pivotal role in
children
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’s
sports
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 learning within safety.
Children
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 would observe and learn from coaches’ model
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workout
Fix the agreement mistake
workouts
show examples
,
such
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 as weight lifting and ropes jumping. Through several guided sessions,
children
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 would positively form a good habit of safe
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workout
Fix the agreement mistake
workouts
show examples
.
Additionally
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, professional
sports
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 workers may motivate young
people
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 to actively participate in
sports
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. These professionals can show young
people
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 how they are physically fit, and
this
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 drives them to do
sports
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 to achieve similar results. In China, most coaches appear physically strong and mentally resilient. Most young
individuals
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 are inspired by their active and positive energy
,
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apply
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 so
that
Correct word choice
apply
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they are motivated to play
sports
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 and become as strong as their PE teachers.
This
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 often ends up
young
Change preposition
with young
show examples
people
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practice
Wrong verb form
practising
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sports
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 regularly to keep fit.
In other words
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, the more inspired
sports
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 workers are, the more
sports
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 young
people
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 will be committed to. In conclusion, it is obvious that professional
sports
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individuals
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 have the capacity to positively influence
children
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 in terms of playing
sports
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. In most cases, they are admired by young
individuals
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. Several experts claim that they should be their role models from time to time, considered as one of their professional
responsibility
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responsibilities
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, and I highly agree with
this
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due to
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 their efficacy in terms of safe
sports
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 practice and motivation to do
sports
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.
Submitted by junjiehong94 on

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Introduction
While your introduction clearly states the topic and your stance, adding a bit more detail to outline the main reasons for your agreement would make it stronger and more compelling.
Task Achievement
Ensure that the reasons presented in the body paragraphs directly support the thesis statement. Also, make the distinction between the impact of sports 'coaches' and 'professional sports people' clearer since these terms are used interchangeably.
Coherence and Cohesion
The body paragraphs could benefit from more explicit topic sentences that directly indicate support for responsible behavior by professional sportspeople as role models. This would enhance clarity and coherence.
Language Use
Rephrase some sentences to avoid repetition and improve flow. For example, 'most coaches appear physically strong and mentally resilient' can be rephrased to 'many coaches exhibit physical strength and mental resilience'.
Task Achievement
Expand on the example given about China by explaining how these coaches' behaviors are impactful beyond just physical training.
Task Achievement
The essay successfully identifies two key roles that professional sportspeople can play: facilitating safe practice and motivating children to participate in sports.
Conclusion
The conclusion wraps up the essay well by summarizing the main points and reinforcing the writer’s stance.
Coherence and Cohesion
The structure of the essay flows logically from the introduction to the conclusion.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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