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Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

the bar chart below shows the percentage of australian men and women in the different age group who did regular physical activity in 2010.

the bar chart below shows the percentage of australian men and women in the different age group who did regular physical activity in 2010.
#bar #percentage #australian #men #women #age #group #activity
The two given charts provide the
last
 year’s attendance rate
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 Ireland
according to
age
group
,gender and type of visit
Overall
,it is noticeable from
pie
Correct article usage
the pie
show examples
 charts that
upper
Correct article usage
the upper
show examples
 chart is more complicated,
due to
seven
Correct article usage
the seven
show examples
age
 groups,
while
bottom
Correct article usage
the bottom
show examples
 chart has only 4 sectors
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 nearly
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 as half of
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
group
 diagram. Now,turning to the details,we may see two
age
 groups with the same proportion of visits,these are
community
Add an article
a community
show examples
 of people aged 45-54
years
 and 25-34
years
 and their proportion is 23
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 is the highest in
first
Change the article
the first
show examples
 diagram.Meanwhile in
bottom
Correct article usage
the bottom
show examples
 illustration there
only
Add a missing verb
is only
show examples
one
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 highest percentage
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
belongs to males who were visiting Ireland in order to rest.
However
,there
only
Add a missing verb
is only
show examples
 one sector with the lowest rate in both
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
illustration
Fix the agreement mistake
illustrations
show examples
,6
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in
age
Add an article
the age
show examples
group
 of 0-15
years
 and 4
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in
group
Add an article
a group
the group
show examples
 of
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 who were visiting for business purposes. It is worth mentioning the fact that
second
Correct article usage
the second
show examples
 highest rate in
second
Change the article
the second
show examples
 figure is more than the second topmost proportion in two times,there are 40% of females who went
Ireland
Change preposition
to Ireland
show examples
 to get rest and 19% of people aged 35-44
years
.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "that is".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words age, group, years with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
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