IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays, the ratio of diseases triggered by manufactured foods has been increasing around the world. However, many people still prefer to eat them as the staple due to the inexpensive price. I strongly agree with the opinion that processed foods should be made more expensive than now.

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This
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 is a controversial issue regarding processed
food
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 as it contains high levels of unhealthy ingredients
such
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 as trans fat, sugars and sodium, which contribute to lifestyle disorders
such
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 as diabetes, hypertension and obesity.
Although
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 still some netizens believe in consuming frozen
food
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 because it is affordable, do not want to waste time
in
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apply
show examples
cooking.
Although
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 I agree with
this
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 statement to increase the
prices
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 of manufactured
food
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items
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, I will explain with examples to support my views. The first and foremost reason why I completely agree with
this
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 statement is that increasing the
prices
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 of
food
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items
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 will help discourage
people
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 and encourage them to choose healthier
food
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items
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, It will reduce the causes of
food
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-related diseases.
Second,
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heavy taxation, on frozen
food
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items
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, not only reduces consumption but
also
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 boosts the country's economy, which can be invested in
health
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 initiatives and subsidies can be provided
to
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for
show examples
 organic
food
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items
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.
For instance
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,It has seen in Australia
people
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 were not able to afford organic
food
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items
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 because of high
prices
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then
Correct your spelling
the
show examples
 government started subsidies to organic
food
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 producers with the money they earned from processed
food
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items
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 .
As a result
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 ,more
people
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 will be able to buy healthy
food
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.
In addition
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, higher
prices
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 may motivate
food
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 manufacturers to improve nutritional values ​​
according to
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 consumer needs, thereby ameliorating individual deficiencies.
On the contrary
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,
although
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 they have chosen the
food
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 because of its convenience and affordability, long-term consumption will lead to unhealthy diet-related
health
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 diseases that will burden them
as well as
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 their families and communities. To illustrate
this
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,U S Oxford University revealed research data on the effect of long-term consumption of processed
food
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items
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. 70% of
people
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 suffer from lifestyle disorders
due to
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 high trans fat and sugar intake.
As a result
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, it will have long-term adverse effects on
health
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.
Consequently
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, despite the harmful effects on
health
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,
people
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 believe in eating unhealthy foods
due to
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 convenience and easy availability. I believe it would be good if the
prices
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 of processed
food
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 were high, it would improve the
health
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 of the netizens and reduce the burden of lifestyle diseases.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly supports the main argument. For example, the second and third body paragraphs could be more connected to show how higher prices will practically lead to a healthier population.
task achievement
Develop examples more fully to strengthen your points. For instance, you could detail how specific health initiatives funded by increased taxes on processed foods have worked in other countries.
coherence cohesion
Work on sentence variety and grammar to enhance readability. Simple language might sometimes serve you better than complex sentence structures.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly states your stance and previews the points you will discuss.
task achievement
You provided a concrete example of government intervention in Australia, showing an understanding of how policy can impact food choices.
task achievement
You effectively highlighted both positive and negative aspects of processed foods, which adds depth to your analysis.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • processed foods
  • manufactured foods
  • trans fats
  • sugars
  • sodium
  • lifestyle diseases
  • diabetes
  • heart disease
  • obesity
  • discourage consumption
  • healthier alternatives
  • diet-related diseases
  • public health initiatives
  • subsidies
  • nutritional quality
  • consumer demand
  • long-term healthcare costs
  • financially burdensome
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