IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

These days, people work in more than one job , and often change career several times during their life. What are the advantages and diadvantages of this ?

#people #work #job #change #career #times #life #diadvantages
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In the modern
world
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world,
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 many people choose to have multiple
jobs
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 and prefer to change their career every once in a
while
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. There are both advantages and disadvantages to
this
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 type of lifestyle and I am going to list a few that I think are the most relevant. When it comes to the advantages of having more than one
job
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, the main benefit that a
person
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 can gain
,
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apply
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 is wealth and experience. By having two or more
jobs
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, you are able to earn a bigger salary and have a steady income and stable living conditions. 
Additionaly
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Additionally
, each
work
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 position requires the use of different skills, which helps to broaden a
person
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's
work
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 knowledge.
For example
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, when hiring new staff, companies like to see previous
job
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 experiences and
achievments
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achievements
 in a certain field of
work
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.
Moreover
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, changing careers can be
benefitial
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beneficial
 in gaining experience and help with finding a
job
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 that suits you the best. Some people
Linking Words
for
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, for
show examples
 example, may not know which kind of
job
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 suits them and their lifestyle the best, and by trying many different positions, they are eventually able to find one that they are comfortable with.
However
Linking Words
, working many hours a week
,
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apply
show examples
 can often leave a
person
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 with little or no time for leisure activities and free time with family and friends. Let's take
low income
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low-income
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 families
for example
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. Parents often need to have multiple
jobs
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 just to afford basic amenities
such
Linking Words
 as nourishment and clothing.
Furthermore
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, by working many hours a week, they are more prone to experiencing burnout and
general
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a general
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 lack of motivation in doing anything
that is
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 not
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work related
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work-related
show examples
.
This
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 can take a huge mental and physical strain on the human body, and can
further
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 lead to health complications. In
conlusion
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conclusion
, working several
jobs
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 at once has its benefits,
however
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, the time and energy spent at
work
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 can eventually compromise a
person
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's well-being and
consequently
Linking Words
 decrease their quality of life.
Submitted by Sof on

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task achievement
Expand a bit more on each point to ensure your ideas are fully developed and clear. For instance, provide more detailed examples or elaborate further on the consequences of the advantages and disadvantages.
task achievement
Make sure to maintain a formal tone and avoid colloquial phrases such as 'let’s take low-income families for example.' Try to be more academic in your phrasing.
coherence cohesion
Ensure to proofread your essay for minor spelling and grammatical errors. For example, 'benenificial' should be 'beneficial' and 'conlusion' should be 'conclusion.' Making sure your essay is error-free will help in improving your coherence and cohesion score.
coherence cohesion
Although your essay is well-structured, use more cohesive devices (e.g., 'Moreover', 'Therefore', 'In addition') to link ideas between sentences and paragraphs more clearly.
coherence cohesion
You have included a clear introduction and conclusion which frame the essay well. It’s apparent that you understand the structure of a good essay.
task achievement
Your main points are well-supported with some relevant examples, even if brief. This indicates a good understanding of the essay question and how to address it.
task achievement
The essay remains focused on the topic throughout and addresses both sides of the issue, which is very important for task achievement.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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