IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Fewer and fewer young people are choosing to become a teacher. Why do young people do not want to become teachers? How this could be changed?

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The world is demanding
teachers
Use synonyms
 day by day, with job opportunities
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
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 for the young generation.
However
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, the modern generation shows less interest in
this
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 area.
This
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 essay will discuss how to help young people become educators by using all the opportunities. Being an educator is the most popular, yet most admirable occupation in the world. It is always among the top ten jobs demanded around the world.
But unfortunately
Correct word choice
Unfortunately
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, young people show very little concern
to become
Change preposition
about becoming
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a
Correct article usage
apply
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teacher
Fix the agreement mistake
teachers
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. Adolescents have more chances to enhance their value by becoming
an
Correct article usage
apply
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instructor
Fix the agreement mistake
instructors
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,
as well as
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 having flexible
time
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 periods and seasonal holidays.
For example
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, my best friend is working for a company in the HR department. He explains every day how hard and stressful that job is. So I can compare my profession as a pre-primary teacher to how easy it is to manage
time
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, allowing me to spend my evenings with my family without being stressed at all. The situation young people tend to avoid becoming educators causes stress during exam periods. Educators have to work to instruct the classroom, prepare revision exam papers, and so on. Not only that, but a large amount of
teachers
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' tasks
also
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 reduce their free
time
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.
For instance
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, a recent report was published stating that
teachers
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 have to sacrifice their spare
time
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due to
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 heavy workloads.
In addition
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, young individuals state that they are less willing to become
teachers
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 if it means sacrificing less. In conclusion,
although
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 young job seekers are interested in becoming mentors, they mainly seek less work.
This
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 trend can be exacerbated by a larger gap between the government.

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task achievement
Your essay covers the topic but could benefit from more detailed explanations and examples. For instance, you briefly mention the benefits of becoming a teacher, like flexible hours, but this point could be expanded with more specific details to better illustrate your argument.
task achievement
Your ideas are mostly clear, but there are a few areas where more clarity and detail would be useful. For example, your last sentence is somewhat confusing about the 'larger gap between the government'. Clarify your point to make sure the reader understands fully.
coherence and cohesion
To improve coherence, ensure that each paragraph flows well into the next. For instance, the transition between discussing the benefits of teaching and the workload challenges could be made smoother with a linking sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Strengthen your conclusion by summarizing the main points discussed in the essay and restating your opinion. This will help to reinforce your argument and make your conclusion more impactful.
coherence and cohesion
Try to connect your examples more directly to the points you're making. For instance, the example of your friend in HR could be more explicitly used to highlight how other professions might be more stressful compared to teaching.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear structure in your essay with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
You've made a good attempt to address both parts of the prompt: why young people are not choosing teaching and what could be done to change this trend.
task achievement
Your example about your friend in HR provides a relatable point that many readers can understand and connect with.
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