IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that government should ban dangerous sports while others think people should have freedom to do any sports or activities. Discuss both view

#people #government #ban #sports #freedom #activities
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There is ongoing debate about whether extreme
sports
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 should be banned
due to
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safety
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 concerns or whether they represent a crucial aspect of personal freedom that should be preserved.
This
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 essay argues that extreme
sports
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 are essential for helping
participants
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 adapt to demanding environments and that the
risks
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 associated with these activities can be effectively managed through strategic investment in improved
facilities
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. On one side, extreme
sports
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 present significant
risks
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, as they inherently involve a high level of danger. Ensuring the
safety
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 of
participants
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 is challenging because these
sports
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 often attract individuals motivated by personal passion or financial gain rather than obligation.
This
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 enthusiasm can lead to an increase in
participants
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 willing to engage in high-risk activities, thereby heightening the potential for serious accidents.
Conversely
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, extreme
sports
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 offer substantial benefits.
Participants
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 frequently develop advanced problem-solving skills that are critical for success in these challenging activities.
Moreover
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, extreme
sports
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 attract considerable financial investment.
For example
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, Red Bull invests heavily in athlete training and event organization, which not only boosts its brand visibility but
also
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 provides financial support to talented individuals who might
otherwise
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 struggle. In my opinion, preserving extreme
sports
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 is important to maintain diversity within the sporting world.
Nevertheless
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, addressing the associated
risks
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 requires enhancing
facilities
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 and rigorously evaluating
safety
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 protocols.
This
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 approach necessitates government involvement and investment in the infrastructure supporting extreme
sports
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. By improving
facilities
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 and implementing strict
safety
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 measures, the benefits of extreme
sports
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 can be maximized
while
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 mitigating the associated
risks
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. In conclusion,
although
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 extreme
sports
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 involve inherent
risks
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, their benefits in terms of skill development and financial support make a compelling case for their continuation. With targeted investments in high-quality
facilities
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 and robust
safety
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 standards, the negative aspects can be effectively managed, allowing extreme
sports
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 to continue to thrive.
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task achievement
Consider adding a more nuanced discussion of counterarguments. Although the essay mentions the risks and benefits, delving deeper into opposing viewpoints can provide a more balanced response.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. While the essay is generally cohesive, refining transitions can enhance the flow and make your arguments even clearer.
task achievement
Revisit the balance of general statements and specific examples. While your general points are strong, incorporating a few more specific instances would better illustrate your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Double-check for minor grammatical or stylistic errors to ensure your writing is as polished as possible. Consistently correct language usage will elevate your score.
coherence cohesion
Solid, clear structure: The essay maintains a logical flow from introduction to conclusion, making it easy to follow your argument.
task achievement
Strong task response: The essay effectively addresses both sides of the debate and provides a personal opinion, which is well supported.
task achievement
Excellent use of specific example: Mentioning Red Bull's investment adds weight to your argument and demonstrates your point effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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