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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some believe that violent computer games are just a form of entertainment, while others think they lead directly to violent behaviour. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#believe #computer #games #form #entertainment #behaviour
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Some would argue that
computer
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games
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 which include violence could count as a leisure activity,
while
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others
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 disagree by saying that they could develop
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
harmful
behaviour
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.
This
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 essay agrees that at a certain age, playing
computer
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games
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 which contain
agressive
Correct your spelling
aggressive
 scenes might end up affecting the person's
behaviour
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. On
one
Correct article usage
the one
show examples
 hand, since the popularity of
computer
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games
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 has risen during the
last
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years
Correct quantifier usage
few years
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, a great
amount
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number
show examples
 of
people
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 choose them as an option for having fun and getting relaxed. There are different kinds of online
games
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 which include activities
such
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 as dancing, singing,
playing
Correct word choice
and playing
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 sports among
others
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. One of the most popular ones
include
Verb problem
is
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 violence
due to
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 the common settings which include wars, fights or even crimes.
For example
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 "Call of Duty" is a well-known video game that a high amount of
people
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 play including rough scenes of death and physical abuse. All these
games
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 have the objective
to provide
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of providing
show examples
 their users
a
Change preposition
with a
show examples
relaxing time,
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however
Add a comma
however,
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 there is no guarantee that
this
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 will always happen.
On the other hand
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,
others
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 imply that
computer
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games
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 might produce in their users a violent
behaviour
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. When considering age and personality, certain
people
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 might be much more sensitive towards some scenes.
Therefore
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, some who are at a young age
such
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 as teenagers and are still being exposed to different experiences which would impact their mindset and development, are much more at risk of getting affected by these types of activities.
For instance
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, during the
last
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 months in Sydney, Australia, we have witnessed three teenagers attacking
people
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 with
knifes
Correct your spelling
knives
show examples
 which let us know that we still have plenty of work to do for our society's (especially young
people
Use synonyms
) mental health. In conclusion,
while
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 a group of
people
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 agree that violent
games
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 only represent a hobby or activity to relax and have fun,
others
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 imply that there's much more to take into account including leading to rough
behaviour
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.
Consequently
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, I agree with the second group and reinforce the idea of taking care of
people
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's
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
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 that could impact their
behaviour
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, especially our young generation.
Submitted by nila.hiperu on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, ensure all paragraphs have a clear and distinct central idea related directly to the essay prompt. Try to develop each point with more specific and varied examples.
task achievement
Work on refining your use of complex sentence structures and varying sentence length to maintain the reader’s interest and enhance readability.
task achievement
Try to incorporate more precise and varied vocabulary, especially when conveying similar ideas, to avoid repetition.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction presents both perspectives clearly and states which view the essay will support.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion reiterates the main points and the writer’s stance effectively, fostering a strong sense of closure.
supported main points
The essay provides reasonable arguments and examples for both sides of the discussion, contributing to a balanced view.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • form of entertainment
  • stress reliever
  • separate fantasy from reality
  • exhibit violent behavior
  • desensitize individuals
  • immersive and interactive nature
  • emotions and actions
  • complex and multifaceted
  • family environment
  • education and social influences
  • oversimplification
  • correlation vs causation
  • underlying personality traits
  • positive aspects
  • hand-eye coordination
  • strategic thinking
  • problem-solving skills
  • moderation
  • aggression
  • predisposed
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