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Band 5

Some believe that violent computer games are just a form of entertainment, while others think they lead directly to violent behaviour. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#believe #computer #games #form #entertainment #behaviour
Some would argue that
computer
games
 which include violence could count as a leisure activity,
while
others
 disagree by saying that they could develop
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
harmful
behaviour
.
This
 essay agrees that at a certain age, playing
computer
games
 which contain
agressive
Correct your spelling
aggressive
 scenes might end up affecting the person's
behaviour
. On
one
Correct article usage
the one
show examples
 hand, since the popularity of
computer
games
 has risen during the
last
years
Correct quantifier usage
few years
show examples
, a great
amount
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of
people
 choose them as an option for having fun and getting relaxed. There are different kinds of online
games
 which include activities
such
 as dancing, singing,
playing
Correct word choice
and playing
show examples
 sports among
others
. One of the most popular ones
include
Verb problem
is
show examples
 violence
due to
 the common settings which include wars, fights or even crimes.
For example
 "Call of Duty" is a well-known video game that a high amount of
people
 play including rough scenes of death and physical abuse. All these
games
 have the objective
to provide
Change preposition
of providing
show examples
 their users
a
Change preposition
with a
show examples
relaxing time,
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 there is no guarantee that
this
 will always happen.
On the other hand
,
others
 imply that
computer
games
 might produce in their users a violent
behaviour
. When considering age and personality, certain
people
 might be much more sensitive towards some scenes.
Therefore
, some who are at a young age
such
 as teenagers and are still being exposed to different experiences which would impact their mindset and development, are much more at risk of getting affected by these types of activities.
For instance
, during the
last
 months in Sydney, Australia, we have witnessed three teenagers attacking
people
 with
knifes
Correct your spelling
knives
show examples
 which let us know that we still have plenty of work to do for our society's (especially young
people
) mental health. In conclusion,
while
 a group of
people
 agree that violent
games
 only represent a hobby or activity to relax and have fun,
others
 imply that there's much more to take into account including leading to rough
behaviour
.
Consequently
, I agree with the second group and reinforce the idea of taking care of
people
's
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
 that could impact their
behaviour
, especially our young generation.
Submitted by nila.hiperu on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, ensure all paragraphs have a clear and distinct central idea related directly to the essay prompt. Try to develop each point with more specific and varied examples.
task achievement
Work on refining your use of complex sentence structures and varying sentence length to maintain the reader’s interest and enhance readability.
task achievement
Try to incorporate more precise and varied vocabulary, especially when conveying similar ideas, to avoid repetition.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction presents both perspectives clearly and states which view the essay will support.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion reiterates the main points and the writer’s stance effectively, fostering a strong sense of closure.
supported main points
The essay provides reasonable arguments and examples for both sides of the discussion, contributing to a balanced view.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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