IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Most high-level positions in comapanies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50 percent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

#positions #comapanies #men #workforce #countries #percent #companies #percentage #women
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Despite there
are
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
 50
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
women
Change preposition
of women
show examples
 in the whole workforce, most higher
positions
 in organizations
are hold
Change the verb form
are held
show examples
 by males. Some argue that organizations should allocate a certain percentage of higher
positions
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
women
. I completely disagree with
this
 viewpoint, because higher
positions
 require high-level skills and expertise, and if it is decided by gender, it would not be appropriate to the
position
. To start with, every
position
 requires its own skills and knowledge, and if any
employee
held
Wrong verb form
holds
show examples
 the
position
 without achieving those skills, the organization will ultimately suffer. In terms of higher
position
,
this
 statement is more appropriate. If an
employee
, who is not eligible for the place, will not perform well, will
produce
Verb problem
make
show examples
 a lot of mistakes, and can not supervise his inferiors properly. In Bangladesh,
for example
, a multinational company named Oslo
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 recruited an
employee
 for
high-level
Correct article usage
a high-level
show examples
position
 based on gender, and because of her irresponsibility, the company encountered a huge loss.
Therefore
, I believe that
positions
 should be given to that particular
employee
, who is eligible.
Moreover
, if
women
 can
held
Change the verb form
hold
show examples
 50
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of the job market through their hard work and dedication, I believe, they can easily reach
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
any high level-
position
 if they want. For that, they do not need any extra favour of being
women
. In India, most higher places in several companies are
holding
Wrong verb form
held
show examples
 by
women
 and they reach
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their destination by their hard work and willpower.
Hence
, if a woman believes, she can compete with her male counterparts to achieve a
position
, she can do that
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 her own.
To conclude
, allocating 50
percentage
Replace the word
per cent
show examples
 of high places for
women
 would not be beneficial for any company, rather believing in
women
's capability, and encouraging them to compete will help to find the most eligible person for the
position
.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
The use of examples, such as the Oslo company example, strengthens your argument by providing evidence to support your viewpoint.
task achievement
You have presented a nuanced viewpoint that doesn't just present a one-sided argument but considers the complexities of the issue.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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