Some people believe that entertainment such as film star pop musicians or sports star are paid to much money Do you agree or disagree? Which other type of jobs should be highly paid.?
For many, popular musicians, actors or sportsmen are overpaid. I disagree with
this
view on the grounds that these people give up on many freedom
in order to be famous. I would argue that experts working in education and veterinary medicine must earn more.
Invented in the Fix the agreement mistake
freedoms
40's
, television changed our lives once and for all. With Fix apostrophe usage
'40s
this
breakpoint, the concept of star
entered into every household. Now, every well-known person can be considered Correct article usage
a star
as
star, whether they are Correct your spelling
a
Correct article usage
a sportsmen
sportsmen
, singer or actress. Correlated to their skills or sensational Fix the agreement mistake
sportsman
affects
, Replace the word
effects
this
is a fact that these individuals have enormous paychecks. However
, such
popularity is not so
easy as it seems. To be a star, a person needs not only Correct word choice
as
qualified
skillsetCorrect article usage
a qualified
,
but Remove the comma
apply
also
to give up many of their freedoms. They cannot walk on the street as they want, for instance
.
Apart from the stars, there are professions that are paid unfairly such
as teachers and veterinarians.
While
teachers educate young brains to shape humankind's future, veterinarians are the shield between zoonoz
diseases and citizens. Both Correct your spelling
zoonoses
groups
work are sacred which is improving and protecting humanity. Yet, they earn poor Change noun form
group's
groups'
amount
of money in every domain of the world. In Turkey Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
for
example, there are many tutors and veterinary Add the comma(s)
, for
doctor
awaiting to be employed by Fix the agreement mistake
doctors
government
Add an article
the government
due to
cruel private sector conditions.
In conclusion, to be a spotlight person, people pay the price which is not live
like Wrong verb form
living
normal
individual. Add an article
a normal
Therefore
, I do not suport
the idea that they are overpaid. Correct your spelling
support
Besides
, as they work for the whole community educaters
and veterinarians need to get more money.Correct your spelling
educators
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task achievement
Your essay mostly answers the task prompt, but you need to provide more specific examples to support your points. For instance, when discussing how celebrities give up their freedoms, citing specific instances or cases would strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
While your essay follows a logical structure, some of your points could be more clearly connected. Use transitional phrases to improve the flow between paragraphs and ideas. For example, when moving from the discussion of celebrities to other professions, a linking sentence would guide the reader more smoothly.
general advice
There are minor grammatical errors and awkward phrases that slightly detract from the overall readability. For example, 'these people give up on many freedom' should be 'these people give up many freedoms.' Revising these would make your essay clearer.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion which succinctly present your viewpoint and summarize your points. This provides a solid structure for your essay.
task achievement
Your ideas are relevant and align well with the essay prompt, showcasing your ability to address the topic comprehensively.