Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and wether they are married or single some people say that this information may be relavant and useful.Others disagree. Discuss both these views and give your openion.

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The question
whether
Change preposition
of whether

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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companies should be asking applicants about their personal life is a very arguable one.
This
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

essay will review both positive and negative aspects,
as well as
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

provide arguments on why I personally believe that private information should not be discussed or required during an interview. Asking about a
person
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

's interests and hobbies is not necessarily a bad thing. I agree that it can give us an image of what the
person
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

likes to do and help us form a better connection. With
this
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

information
Add a comma
information,

It appears that you are missing a comma after the introductory phrase With this information. Consider adding a comma.

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we are able to create a better image of what the
person
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

is like and potentially make new friendships.
However
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, when looking for a job, these interests might not be as relevant as other important factors. To illustrate, we should not be judged on whether we like to read books or watch TV in our free time as it generally does not interfere with our work performance.
In contrast
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, interviewers should focus on asking work-related questions and about previous work experience
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

therefore
Add the comma(s)
, therefore

It appears that you are missing a comma or two with the interrupter therefore. Consider adding the comma(s).

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, evaluating us on the knowledge that can be useful to their company.
Additionally
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, I completely disagree with employers wanting to know about a
person
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

's relationship status as
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

is a very private part of our lives. Being married or single does not have any effect on how well we do our work and
therefore
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, should not be discussed during the initial meeting.
For example
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, in many cases, married women tend to get discriminated
for
Change preposition
against for

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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wanting to have kids and start a family, resulting in them having a significantly lower salary when compared to men.
Consequently
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, asking about our private
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives

It seems that life may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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and partners should be prohibited, as it can lead to injustice and unfair advantages.
To sum
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

up
Add a comma
up,

It appears that you are missing a comma after the introductory phrase To sum up. Consider adding a comma.

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all the arguments that have been stated in
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

essay,
while
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

wanting to know someone's interests and hobbies may be
benefitial
Correct your spelling
beneficial

If you don’t want benefitial to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

in getting to know them better, asking
private
Change preposition
for private

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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information regarding relationship status should not be
neccesary
Correct your spelling
necessary

If you don’t want neccesary to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

.
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task achievement
To further enhance your task response, consider expanding on why you believe personal information should not be discussed during an interview. You could also add more examples to illustrate your points about why work-related questions are more relevant.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. You might benefit from using more transitional phrases to connect ideas effectively. Also, consider splitting your second paragraph into two separate paragraphs to give more focus to each point.
introduction conclusion present
You have provided a clear introduction that outlines the essay's purpose and structure. This sets a solid foundation for your argument.
logical structure
The essay stays on topic throughout and addresses both perspectives on the issue, which demonstrates a thorough understanding of the prompt.
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