IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that women should play an equal role as men in a country's police force or military force, such as the army, While others think women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #women #role #men #country #police #force #army #kinds #jobs
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These days, more and more females are interested in playing a role in the military force. It is often said that
women
Use synonyms
 should play an equal role as
men
Use synonyms
 in a country's army,
whereas
Linking Words
 others feel that
women
Use synonyms
 are not perfect for military
forces
Use synonyms
. In
this
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 essay, I will examine both sides of the argument and provide my
overall
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 opinion. Military
forces
Use synonyms
 or police
forces
Use synonyms
 are important for every nation to ensure national security and
also
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 local security. Nowadays,
women
Use synonyms
 are improving in every sector day by day. Some people suggest that
women
Use synonyms
 need to play the same role as
men
Use synonyms
 in
forces
Use synonyms
 the main reason behind
this
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 statement is to ensure female rights because there is a chance of abuse by male officers by female criminals. A good illustration of
this
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 is that in 1990 an Indian army officer raped a Bangladeshi girl, who was involved with the drug business.
On the other hand
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, some people express that
women
Use synonyms
 are not convenient for military
forces
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. Perhaps the main reason why people are in favour of not joining
women
Use synonyms
 in
forces
Use synonyms
 is because
women
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 are not as strong as
men
Use synonyms
.
A
Correct the article-noun agreement
Men
A man
show examples
men
Use synonyms
 can easily handle 60-70 kg pressure but
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
women
a woman
show examples
women
Use synonyms
 can’t and
also
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men
Use synonyms
 have the capability to adopt lots of pain,
however
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,
women
Use synonyms
 can’t handle torture. A good example of
this
Linking Words
 is a man who survived 30 days of torture in Pakistan in 2003. In conclusion, it must be said that
women
Use synonyms
’s joining
forces
Use synonyms
 has become a complex issue for me. My personal view is that
women
Use synonyms
 need to join, who are more capable and
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
fit to ensure female safety.
Submitted by belmontsy01 on

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task achievement
Strengthen your arguments with more specific and detailed examples. This will help better support your main points and make your argument more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical structure of the essay. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that your ideas flow logically from one to another.
task achievement
Clarify some of the arguments presented. For instance, the reasons why women might not be suitable for military roles need more elaborate explanation and examples.
overall
Make sure to consistently use correct grammar and punctuation to enhance readability and comprehension of your essay.
task achievement
The essay clearly presents both sides of the argument, which demonstrates an understanding of the prompt.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear introduction and conclusion which frames the essay well.
task achievement
The essay shows an attempt to use examples and evidence to support arguments, which is important for building a strong essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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