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Writing Samples
Band 6

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.
#bar #percentage #australian #men #women #age #groups #activity
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The bar chart illustrates the proportion of Australian
men
Use synonyms
 and women across
age
Use synonyms
 groups who engaged in the exercise in 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, a marked trend toward
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
show examples
 percentage can be seen almost in
women
Correct determiner usage
all women
show examples
 groups,
although
Linking Words
variation
Fix the agreement mistake
variations
show examples
 in level and rate are evident. Women’s
group
Use synonyms
 by
age
Use synonyms
 45 to 54 recorded the largest
participant
Fix the agreement mistake
number of participants
show examples
 reaching 53.3 percent. The second largest dominance of the female
group
Use synonyms
 is shown by the 55 to 64
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 (53%) followed by the 35 to 44
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 (52.5%). On the other side,
number
Correct article usage
the number
show examples
 of
men
Use synonyms
that
Correct word choice
who
show examples
doing
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 regular exercise
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 dominated by the
age
Use synonyms
 of 15 to 24 with a participation rate reaching 52.8
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 is the largest number of
men
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
doing physical exercise.
Men
Use synonyms
’s
group
Use synonyms
by
Change preposition
aged
show examples
age
Use synonyms
 65 and over demonstrated the second largest male
group
Use synonyms
 in doing regular physical activity. The lowest participation rate of
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 two groups
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 47.1 % for women aged a 65 and over and 39.5 % for
men
Use synonyms
 aged 35 to 44.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words men, age, group with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Regular exercise
  • Age demographics
  • Participation rate
  • Trend analysis
  • Gender disparity
  • Health initiatives
  • Public health policies
  • Statistical comparison
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Work commitments
  • Age-related factors
  • Preventative health
  • Exercise habits
  • Surveillance data
  • Motivators and barriers
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