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Some people believe that the government Should take care of old people and provide financial support after they retire. Others say individuals should save during their working years to fund their own retirement. What is your opinion? Give reason for your answer and include examples from your own experienc

#people #government #care #support #individuals #years #fund #retirement #reason #experienc
Nowadays, a lot of
people
 are convinced that the
government
 have to provide help and support to elders, at the same time others believe that
people
 have to concern themselves during their lives. In my humble opinion, we need to find the right proportion between these two points of view. In
this
 essay, I'll try to explain my suggestion. First and foremost,
according to
 scientists, the world population has become older. The paramount meaning of it is the increase of the amount of retirement years,
moreove
Correct your spelling
moreover
,
this
 conveys the necessity to augment the budget for pensioners.
For instance
, two decades ago average life expectancy was 70 years plus, today it's more than 80. So we have more and more
people
 getting support from the
government
 for much longer. So, we can see that it's very important to plan retirement at a young age.
On the other hand
, young
people
 who are working and paying taxes want to be sure about their future. That means that the
government
 have to adjust the retirement system and pay for it. In conclusion, I am convinced that all
people
 have to be responsible for their future, but it's impossible without
government
 adjustments.
Submitted by anastasia on

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task achievement
While the essay addresses the topic, it needs deeper exploration. Specifically, consider elaborating on both perspectives more thoroughly and provide clearer examples anecdotal or statistical to support your argument.
task achievement
Ensure each argument is well-developed. Currently, some points are mentioned but not explained in-depth. Structuring paragraphs with a clear point, evidence, and explanation will enhance clarity.
coherence cohesion
Use cohesive devices consistently throughout the essay. This will help in linking ideas more fluidly and maintaining coherence. Avoid abrupt shifts between points to aid the reader's understanding.
coherence cohesion
Avoid repetitive phrases and seek more varied sentence structures. This will help to keep the reader engaged and demonstrate a higher range of language proficiency.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing the discussion effectively.
task achievement
The writer makes an effort to present both sides of the argument, which shows an understanding of the essay question's requirement.
coherence cohesion
Use of phrases like 'first and foremost' and 'on the other hand' indicate an awareness of linking strategies, which is good for maintaining flow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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