Some people believe that the government Should take care of old people and provide financial support after they retire. Others say individuals should save during their working years to fund their own retirement. What is your opinion? Give reason for your answer and include examples from your own experienc

#people #government #care #support #individuals #years #fund #retirement #reason #experienc

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Nowadays, a lot of

people

are convinced that the

government

have to provide help and support to elders, at the same time others believe that

people

have to concern themselves during their lives. In my humble opinion, we need to find the right proportion between these two points of view. In

this

essay, I'll try to explain my suggestion. First and foremost,

according to

scientists, the world population has become older. The paramount meaning of it is the increase of the amount of retirement years,

moreove

Correct your spelling

moreover

this

conveys the necessity to augment the budget for pensioners.

For instance

, two decades ago average life expectancy was 70 years plus, today it's more than 80. So we have more and more

people

getting support from the

government

for much longer. So, we can see that it's very important to plan retirement at a young age.

On the other hand

, young

people

who are working and paying taxes want to be sure about their future. That means that the

government

have to adjust the retirement system and pay for it. In conclusion, I am convinced that all

people

have to be responsible for their future, but it's impossible without

government

adjustments.

Submitted by anastasia on Thu Aug 22 2024

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task achievement

While the essay addresses the topic, it needs deeper exploration. Specifically, consider elaborating on both perspectives more thoroughly and provide clearer examples anecdotal or statistical to support your argument.

task achievement

Ensure each argument is well-developed. Currently, some points are mentioned but not explained in-depth. Structuring paragraphs with a clear point, evidence, and explanation will enhance clarity.

coherence cohesion

Use cohesive devices consistently throughout the essay. This will help in linking ideas more fluidly and maintaining coherence. Avoid abrupt shifts between points to aid the reader's understanding.

coherence cohesion

Avoid repetitive phrases and seek more varied sentence structures. This will help to keep the reader engaged and demonstrate a higher range of language proficiency.

coherence cohesion

The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing the discussion effectively.

task achievement

The writer makes an effort to present both sides of the argument, which shows an understanding of the essay question's requirement.

coherence cohesion

Use of phrases like 'first and foremost' and 'on the other hand' indicate an awareness of linking strategies, which is good for maintaining flow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

Paragraph 1 - Introduction

Sentence 1 - Background statement
Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
Sentence 3 - Thesis
Sentence 4 - Outline sentence

Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Sentence 1 - Summary
Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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4
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
2
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 8.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 8.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

198 words

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