IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In many places women are taking jobs which are traditionally done by men. What do think made these changes happen? What's your opinion about it?

#places #women #jobs #men #changes
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The jobs which
men
Use synonyms
 used to
initially
Linking Words
 do
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 are being taken by
women
Use synonyms
, in most of the countries.
This
Linking Words
 has been a
topc
Correct your spelling
topic
top
 of debate these days. In my opinion, it is a positive change. and is necessary for the holistic growth of
women
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, there are several movements
those
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 work in favour of
Use synonyms
women
Change noun form
women's
show examples
 empowerment and
promotes
Correct subject-verb agreement
promote
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 sense of gender equality
at
Change preposition
on
show examples
social
Correct article usage
the social
show examples
 front. With the help of
such
Linking Words
 movements, people are
getting
Verb problem
becoming
show examples
 aware
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 making
women
Use synonyms
 independent and giving them the
rights
Fix the agreement mistake
right
show examples
 to live on their own whether in terms of getting educated or working as professionals.
Additionally
Linking Words
, education
also
Linking Words
 plays a significant role. In earlier times, people were mostly illiterate,
women
Use synonyms
 were not sent to educational institutions and
being
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 kept at
homes
Fix the agreement mistake
home
show examples
 only, to do household chores. But these days, as
women
Use synonyms
 are equally educated as
men
Use synonyms
 and are
also
Linking Words
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
able to work, not only generates more revenue for their families, but can help
men
Use synonyms
 to look for even better job
oppportunities
Correct your spelling
opportunities
 for themselves. In my opinion,
women
Use synonyms
 taking jobs which are traditionally done by
men
Use synonyms
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 is a crucial and
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
positive development. With
this
Linking Words
 change,
women
Use synonyms
 can be self-reliant and can assist in escalating the financial stability
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their families. In conclusion, it can be said that
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the help of education and social movements which are in favour of
Use synonyms
women
Change noun form
women's
show examples
 empowerment has made it possible for
women
Use synonyms
 to take over jobs being
initially
Linking Words
 done by
men
Use synonyms
 and
this
Linking Words
 development only has pros.
Submitted by prabhjot06gill on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points. This will strengthen your argument and make it more compelling.
task achievement
Avoid minor grammatical mistakes and typos, such as "a topc," "those work," and "look for even better job oppportunities." These errors can detract from the overall quality of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. This will help improve the logical flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Make sure that each of your main points is well-supported with evidence or reasoning. This will make your argument more robust.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your argument well.
task achievement
You have addressed the task effectively by discussing both the reasons behind the change and your opinion on it.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: