Some say that music, art and drama are as important as other school subjects, especially at the primary level. Do you agree or disagree?

It is argued that in elementary school subjects
such
as
music
, art and drama are needed for youngsters. I completely agree with
this
statement and think these kind of school
lessons
can show their own
talent
of every pupil. First of all, I believe that
lessons
like
music
, art and drama can differently affect
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
every person.
For example
, for some students
music
lessons
can become beneficial, by revealing
the
Change the word
their
show examples
unique
talent
. It concerns every subject .
The one
Correct article usage
One
show examples
of the most popular
singer
Change to a plural noun
singers
show examples
Billie Eilish believes that it must
be revealed
Wrong verb form
reveal
show examples
talent
from every person.
Moreover
,
this kind
Fix the agreement mistake
these kinds
show examples
of
lessons
are not so sophisticated and can be every day to give
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
break from active mind
education
. That’s why it is important to add different class sessions to
education
Add an article
the education
show examples
system to provide
bright
Correct article usage
a bright
show examples
future for students .
Secondly
, learning only academic subjects is very hard
to
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for
show examples
young pupils.
In other words
,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
should simplify the
education
for primary schools.
Also
, add more creative and artistic activities.
For instance
, Henry Muller minister of
education
decides
Wrong verb form
decided
show examples
that in
US
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the US
show examples
, primary
schools
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school
show examples
education
always be easy. And during
academic
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the academic
show examples
year there are a lot of activities,
competitions
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and competitions
show examples
that
motivates
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motivate
show examples
every student to attend
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
every lesson,
by
Correct word choice
and by
show examples
doing so they increase their motivation .
To conclude
, I believe that place of
lessons
like
music
, art and drama
very
Add a missing verb
is very
show examples
important for educators of primary schools , because there can be great
talent
hidden in every person.
Furthermore
,
this
kind of
subjects
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subject
show examples
are
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is
show examples
really
easy
Replace the word
easier
show examples
than others which can lead to
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
time for
relax
Replace the word
relaxation
show examples
.
Submitted by zhadyra.serikbayeva2016 on

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task achievement
Try to clarify your main points and support them with more precise examples. For instance, when you reference famous people or studies, make sure they directly support the point you're making.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence followed by supporting details that are logically connected. This will improve the flow from one idea to the next, making your argument more persuasive.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear stance on the importance of music, art, and drama in primary school education, which is well-established in the introduction and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of the essay is logical, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This helps the reader follow the argument being made.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • holistic development
  • fostering
  • emotional intelligence
  • problem-solving skills
  • cultural awareness
  • curriculum
  • engaging
  • memorable
  • nurture
  • talents
  • core subjects
  • academic
  • professional success
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