An increasing number of children are overweight which could result many problems when they grow older both in terms of their health and health care costs. Why do you think so many children are overweight? What could be done to solve this problem?

In
this
contemporary world, it is argued that more and more
children
have excessive weight. 
This
is achieved by there
are
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
lots of
food
available, especially fast
food
and
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
show examples
lifestyle. To handle
this
issue, governments should promote public education and encourage
people
to move more.
Firstly
, there
a
Add a missing verb
is a
show examples
huge amount of
children
with obesity. Since a lot of
food
is available, especially fast
food
and prepared foods that only need to be heated.  These products contain
a
Change the article
an
show examples
enormous amount of refined carbohydrates,  fat and sugar, and
therefore
,
people
overeat. Another reason is the sedentary lifestyle. As
children
sit at computers, they do not move at all,  but they continue to eat a lot. And,
hence
, kids gain weight. To tackle
this
issue,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
should promote public education, explaining to older and young
people
about the harm of fast
food
and the benefits of fresh products. Authorities have to organize programs, where they
would
Verb problem
apply
show examples
talk about how
maintain
Add the particle
to maintain
show examples
a balanced diet and have healthy habits.  Another solution is to  encourage
people
to move more,
organize
Correct word choice
and organize
show examples
special programs, events and bicycle zones. Specifically, array relay races and reward
people
who run.
Consequently
,
people
will exercise more and lose weight. In conclusion,
children
are
overwheight
Correct your spelling
overweight
due to
the a
Choose an article
the
a
show examples
huge amount of
food
accessible and sedentary lifestyle. To tackle
this
problem,
state
Add an article
the state
show examples
should encourage
people
to exercise more and promote public education.
Submitted by halilova039 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence
Try to improve sentence structure and avoid repetition of concepts to enhance clarity and avoid redundancy.
task response
Make sure to develop each main point with more specific examples and details for a stronger argumentation.
coherence
Proofread your essay to correct minor grammatical errors and improve word choice for better readability.
coherence
The essay demonstrates a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, ensuring the response is organized.
task response
The main points are relevant and address the task prompt adequately, demonstrating a good understanding of the topic.
coherence
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points discussed in the essay, reinforcing the overall argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: