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Band 5.5

Money manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugars which causes many health problems sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar.Do you agree or disagree?

#money #food #drink #products #level #sugars #health #people #sugar
The number of health issues is increasing today because
people
 consume Food and drinks with high levels of
sugar
. To prevent
this
 situation, sugary
products
 become more expensive nowadays. I believe
this
 is one of the best ways to encourage
people
 to consume less
sugar
.
This
 essay will explore why
this
 is the case for two main reasons.
Firstly
,
people
 will get better items at lower prices.
This
 means they can have more nutrition by consuming less
sugar
products
while
 bargaining a good price for them.
For example
,
instead
 of buying canned milk
people
 prefer to purchase soybean milk, they acquire
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthier
products
 with the same amount and lower prices. Not only
sugar
,
people
also
 get other beneficial substances for their body
such
 as calcium, zinc, et cetera.
Therefore
, it is good to consume less
sugar
products
 than sugary
products
.
Secondly
,
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
using
this
 method,
it boosts
Verb problem
encourages
show examples
people
 to buy healthier
products
 and
consequently
become
Correct subject-verb agreement
becomes
show examples
 their habit.
For instance
, someone who really loves to drink soda every day will be too lazy to buy
products
 that are very expensive, and because of
this
reason
Add a comma
reason,
show examples
 they will skip the soda section when they visit the supermarket. With
a
Remove the article
apply
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small progress, not only stop consuming sugary
products
,
people
 will do activities that benefit them.
Thus
, building good
habit
Fix the agreement mistake
habits
show examples
 step by step exerts a good impact on the body. In conclusion, elevating the price of sugary
products
 makes
people
 live healthier. Doing
this
 method
,
Remove the comma
apply
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can lead
people
 aim their goal of maintaining their bodies. I undoubtedly agree implementing that makes sugary
products
 more expensive than other
products
 to solve health problems.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task achievement
Your essay is well-structured and stays relevant to the topic. However, some points can be further detailed for more depth. For example, explaining more clearly how high sugar prices would specifically affect different consumer groups could strengthen your argument further.
coherence and cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structures and ensuring that your ideas flow more seamlessly from one to another. Using linking words and phrases more effectively can help enhance the cohesion of your text.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear and comprehensive introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame your argument.
task achievement
Your main points are relevant and supported with logical explanations and examples.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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