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Band 5

Some people feel that it is always wrong to keep animals in captivity, for instance in zoos. Other people say that there are benefits for the animals and for humans. Discuss both sides of this debate, and give your personal view.

#people #animals #captivity #zoos #humans #debate
Keeping
animals
 in captivity continues to be a controversial topic, and there are many social discussions about it. Most
people
 love
animals
, and there are strong views on both sides, which I will consider now. On the one hand, some
people
 think there is no reason to keep
animals
 in captivity. They believe that
animals
 need to live in their natural landscape, and not in a human-made place, where they become an attraction for tourists, who often don’t respect them.
Moreover
, in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
nature
Add a comma
nature,
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 there is silence, whilst in zoos
animals
 are surrounded by
people
 laughing and shouting at them so they probably suffer.
Lastly
, if
animals
 are fed by humans too long, they will lose their ability
in searching
Change preposition
to search
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food
Change preposition
for food
show examples
 and once they are free, they won’t be able to survive.
On the other hand
, others believe that there are benefits for the
animals
 in being captured. In fact,
animals
 in zoos are often sick and humans help them with their illness.
Then
 they leave the
animals
 free when they are healthy again.
In addition
,
keep
Wrong verb form
keeping
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 an animal in captivity is a way to protect him, especially for some endangered species.
This
 creates are
also
 advantages for
Add an article
the researcher
a researcher
show examples
researcher
Fix the agreement mistake
researchers
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, who can study
closer
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
animals
’
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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 and understand how to help them when they are in the wild.
Overall
, I believe that keeping
animals
 in
zoo
Fix the agreement mistake
zoos
show examples
 as a tourist attraction is always wrong and that if they are captured to be
help
Wrong verb form
helped
show examples
 because of an illness they don’t need to be shown to
people
.
Animals
 can stay in zoos as long as they are properly staffed and maintained.
Submitted by ballotta.sofi on

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coherence cohesion
Good overall structure, but there's room for improved clarity in points made. Consider refining some of your arguments to make them more coherent.
task achievement
Use more specific examples to support your points. This will demonstrate a deeper understanding and make your essay more convincing.
task achievement
Expand on your conclusion to reinforce your argument. This will give a more satisfying and convincing end to your essay.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are well-presented, making the overall essay easy to follow.
task achievement
You have addressed both sides of the argument, which provides a balanced discussion.
task achievement
Main points are generally supported with relevant arguments, indicating a good understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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