IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#countries #service #men #school #idea #system #women
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Many people think that only
men
Use synonyms
 must practice military service;
whereas
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, others argue that
women
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 must be given
this
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 opportunity.
This
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 shift is primarily
due to
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 issues that
women
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 in
this
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 society
encounters
Change the verb form
encounter
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such
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 as facing
harassments
Fix the agreement mistake
harassment
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. Another
reasons
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reason
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 why people underscore the training significant to
women
Use synonyms
 is to opt military as a career.
To begin
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 with, countries must provide
girls
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 with
this
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 chance to participate in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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military practice, soon after they leave school.
Firstly
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,
women
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 encounter bullying and
harassments
Fix the agreement mistake
harassment
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 in public areas. Military training will provide them strength and courage to face
these situation
Change the determiner
this situation
these situations
show examples
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and will aid them
use
Add the particle
to use
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 their military techniques to protect themselves.
In addition
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, training through
military
Correct article usage
the military
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 will help them to be confident and stand
for
Change preposition
up for
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 the innocents, who are unable to speak for themselves.
For example
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, in South Korea, it is mandatory for both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
genders to practice military, especially
women
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 to support themselves.
Therefore
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, it is crucial that
women
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 must
adapt
Correct your spelling
adopt
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this
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 system.
Moreover
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, many individuals, especially
men
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, opt military as their career, and it
only
Add a missing verb
is only
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 considered by
few
Correct article usage
a few
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girls
Use synonyms
 because of the male dominance in
this
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professions
Fix the agreement mistake
profession
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.
Consequently
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, opening
doors
Correct article usage
the doors
show examples
 of
this
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 system will allow more
girls
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 to participate
in
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apply
show examples
and will elevate their interests. Not only
this
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, it will encourage
girls
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 to equally take part in wars
along with
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 the
men
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 to protect their homeland and exhibit patriotism. Many countries in north Asia
such
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 as Japan, Korea, and China have amended their constitutions because they think that
women
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 are an intrinsic part of society.
To conclude
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, it is imperative that governments must make
ministry
Correct article usage
the ministry
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 system open to
women
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of
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society to ensure
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 protection and safety of the community. Together both
men
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 and
women
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 will endeavor to protect civilians' rights.
Submitted by uroojzulqernain on

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grammar
Try to avoid minor grammatical errors, such as issues with subject-verb agreement and article usage (e.g., 'issues that women in this society encounters' should be 'issues that women in this society encounter').
content development
Elaborate on your main points with more detailed examples or evidence to make the argument stronger and more convincing.
structure
Focus on ensuring that each paragraph has a clear and concise topic sentence that directly relates to the question. This helps in maintaining coherence.
task response
The essay addresses the prompt well by discussing both the current situation and the potential changes in the context of mandatory military service for both men and women.
structure
The introduction and conclusion are clearly present and are well-structured, providing a clear framework for the essay.
task response
The essay contains relevant points about the benefits of military training for women and examples to support these points, demonstrating an understanding of the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Compulsory
  • Military service
  • Conscription
  • Patriotism
  • National security
  • Social equality
  • Discipline
  • Physical fitness
  • Life skills
  • Job training
  • Infringement
  • Conscripts
  • Gender equality
  • Mandatory
  • Economy
  • Education system
  • Labor market
  • Civil service
  • Alternative forms
  • Balanced view
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