Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Many people think that only
men
must practice military service;
whereas
, others argue that
women
must be given
this
opportunity.
This
shift is primarily
due to
issues that
women
in
this
society
encounters
Change the verb form
encounter
show examples
such
as facing
harassments
Fix the agreement mistake
harassment
show examples
. Another
reasons
Replace the adjective
reason
show examples
why people underscore the training significant to
women
is to opt military as a career.
To begin
with, countries must provide
girls
with
this
chance to participate in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
military practice, soon after they leave school.
Firstly
,
women
encounter bullying and
harassments
Fix the agreement mistake
harassment
show examples
in public areas. Military training will provide them strength and courage to face
these situation
Change the determiner
this situation
these situations
show examples
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
and will aid them
use
Add the particle
to use
show examples
their military techniques to protect themselves.
In addition
, training through
military
Correct article usage
the military
show examples
will help them to be confident and stand
for
Change preposition
up for
show examples
the innocents, who are unable to speak for themselves.
For example
, in South Korea, it is mandatory for both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
genders to practice military, especially
women
to support themselves.
Therefore
, it is crucial that
women
must
adapt
Correct your spelling
adopt
show examples
this
system.
Moreover
, many individuals, especially
men
, opt military as their career, and it
only
Add a missing verb
is only
show examples
considered by
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
girls
because of the male dominance in
this
professions
Fix the agreement mistake
profession
show examples
.
Consequently
, opening
doors
Correct article usage
the doors
show examples
of
this
system will allow more
girls
to participate
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
and will elevate their interests. Not only
this
, it will encourage
girls
to equally take part in wars
along with
the
men
to protect their homeland and exhibit patriotism. Many countries in north Asia
such
as Japan, Korea, and China have amended their constitutions because they think that
women
are an intrinsic part of society.
To conclude
, it is imperative that governments must make
ministry
Correct article usage
the ministry
show examples
system open to
women
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society to ensure
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
protection and safety of the community. Together both
men
and
women
will endeavor to protect civilians' rights.
Submitted by uroojzulqernain on

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grammar
Try to avoid minor grammatical errors, such as issues with subject-verb agreement and article usage (e.g., 'issues that women in this society encounters' should be 'issues that women in this society encounter').
content development
Elaborate on your main points with more detailed examples or evidence to make the argument stronger and more convincing.
structure
Focus on ensuring that each paragraph has a clear and concise topic sentence that directly relates to the question. This helps in maintaining coherence.
task response
The essay addresses the prompt well by discussing both the current situation and the potential changes in the context of mandatory military service for both men and women.
structure
The introduction and conclusion are clearly present and are well-structured, providing a clear framework for the essay.
task response
The essay contains relevant points about the benefits of military training for women and examples to support these points, demonstrating an understanding of the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Compulsory
  • Military service
  • Conscription
  • Patriotism
  • National security
  • Social equality
  • Discipline
  • Physical fitness
  • Life skills
  • Job training
  • Infringement
  • Conscripts
  • Gender equality
  • Mandatory
  • Economy
  • Education system
  • Labor market
  • Civil service
  • Alternative forms
  • Balanced view
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