IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Many people think that only
men
Use synonyms
 must practice military service;
whereas
Linking Words
, others argue that
women
Use synonyms
 must be given
this
Linking Words
 opportunity.
This
Linking Words
 shift is primarily
due to
Linking Words
 issues that
women
Use synonyms
 in
this
Linking Words
 society
encounters
Change the verb form
encounter
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as facing
harassments
Fix the agreement mistake
harassment
show examples
. Another
reasons
Replace the adjective
reason
show examples
 why people underscore the training significant to
women
Use synonyms
 is to opt military as a career.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, countries must provide
girls
Use synonyms
 with
this
Linking Words
 chance to participate in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
military practice, soon after they leave school.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
women
Use synonyms
 encounter bullying and
harassments
Fix the agreement mistake
harassment
show examples
 in public areas. Military training will provide them strength and courage to face
these situation
Change the determiner
this situation
these situations
show examples
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and will aid them
use
Add the particle
to use
show examples
 their military techniques to protect themselves.
In addition
Linking Words
, training through
military
Correct article usage
the military
show examples
 will help them to be confident and stand
for
Change preposition
up for
show examples
 the innocents, who are unable to speak for themselves.
For example
Linking Words
, in South Korea, it is mandatory for both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
genders to practice military, especially
women
Use synonyms
 to support themselves.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is crucial that
women
Use synonyms
 must
adapt
Correct your spelling
adopt
show examples
this
Linking Words
 system.
Moreover
Linking Words
, many individuals, especially
men
Use synonyms
, opt military as their career, and it
only
Add a missing verb
is only
show examples
 considered by
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
girls
Use synonyms
 because of the male dominance in
this
Linking Words
professions
Fix the agreement mistake
profession
show examples
.
Consequently
Linking Words
, opening
doors
Correct article usage
the doors
show examples
 of
this
Linking Words
 system will allow more
girls
Use synonyms
 to participate
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
and will elevate their interests. Not only
this
Linking Words
, it will encourage
girls
Use synonyms
 to equally take part in wars
along with
Linking Words
 the
men
Use synonyms
 to protect their homeland and exhibit patriotism. Many countries in north Asia
such
Linking Words
 as Japan, Korea, and China have amended their constitutions because they think that
women
Use synonyms
 are an intrinsic part of society.
To conclude
Linking Words
, it is imperative that governments must make
ministry
Correct article usage
the ministry
show examples
 system open to
women
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society to ensure
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 protection and safety of the community. Together both
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 will endeavor to protect civilians' rights.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

grammar
Try to avoid minor grammatical errors, such as issues with subject-verb agreement and article usage (e.g., 'issues that women in this society encounters' should be 'issues that women in this society encounter').
content development
Elaborate on your main points with more detailed examples or evidence to make the argument stronger and more convincing.
structure
Focus on ensuring that each paragraph has a clear and concise topic sentence that directly relates to the question. This helps in maintaining coherence.
task response
The essay addresses the prompt well by discussing both the current situation and the potential changes in the context of mandatory military service for both men and women.
structure
The introduction and conclusion are clearly present and are well-structured, providing a clear framework for the essay.
task response
The essay contains relevant points about the benefits of military training for women and examples to support these points, demonstrating an understanding of the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Compulsory
  • Military service
  • Conscription
  • Patriotism
  • National security
  • Social equality
  • Discipline
  • Physical fitness
  • Life skills
  • Job training
  • Infringement
  • Conscripts
  • Gender equality
  • Mandatory
  • Economy
  • Education system
  • Labor market
  • Civil service
  • Alternative forms
  • Balanced view
What to do next:
Look at other essays: