IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many people today are worried about young children using video games. What problems might these games cause for children and society as a whole? How could these problems be reduced?

#people #children #video #games #society
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With the rise in technology,
video
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games
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 have grown in popularity in the past decades. They are most common with
children
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 and teenagers, who have a lot of leisure
time
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 as compared to an adult.
This
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 essay will address the problems these
games
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 might
cause
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 and their impact on
society
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 as a whole.
Firstly
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, long exposure to
video
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games
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 can
cause
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 harm to one's eyesight and can weaken it over
time
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. To elaborate, the blue ray emitted by screens has proven to
cause
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 eye damage.
Furthermore
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,
video
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games
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 can be a distraction to
children
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 which can easily become an addiction which can
cause
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 them to get distracted from work.
Moreover
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,
video
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games
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 could
also
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 expose
children
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 to violence and inappropriate content from an early age, which could make them more impulsive.
For instance
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, I have seen
children
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 pay for in-game cosmetics without
having
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apply
show examples
their parents' consent, which has made them mad.
Lastly
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,
video
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games
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 can
cause
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society
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 to be more lazy and inactive as
video
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 game addiction prevents people from interacting with the physical world. People who are addicted to
video
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games
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 often find it hard to articulate their feelings, which could make them anti-social and have a huge impact on
society
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. Parents can prevent these problems by simply restricting their
children
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's screen
time
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 and encouraging them to play sports and make friends. Parents can
also
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 introduce their
children
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 to different hobbies which can be of use later.
To conclude
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, I think that as a
society
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, we should spread more awareness of the downsides of
video
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games
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 and encourage people to limit their play
time
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 and have a healthy social life.
Submitted by satyarthverma88 on

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task response
Your essay presents a clear response to the task, addressing both potential problems and solutions. However, make sure to elaborate more on each point and provide additional examples or evidence to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph smoothly transitions from one idea to the next. Using linking words and phrases can help maintain the logical flow of your essay.
task response
To strengthen your task achievement, consider developing your ideas more fully. For example, elaborate on how playing sports or different hobbies can benefit children as alternatives to video games.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, making your essay well-structured and easy to follow.
task response
Your essay addresses both the problems associated with video games and potential solutions, showing a balanced approach.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • screen time
  • interpersonal skills
  • violent content
  • academic performance
  • social isolation
  • family dynamics
  • educational campaigns
  • parental controls
  • alternative activities
  • content ratings
  • cognition
What to do next:
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