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Band 5.5

Children who are brought up in families that do not have large amounts of money are better prepared to deal with the problems of adult life than children brought up by wealthy parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion

#children #families #amounts #money #adult #life #parents
Many people believe that
children
 who grow up with little money are more
equiped
Correct your spelling
equipped
 to deal with the problems life throws at them, in comparison to the kids who are born in wealthy families.
This
 essay aims to substantiate
this
 assertion. On one hand,
children
 born in
not so affluent
Add a hyphen
not-so-affluent
show examples
 families, grow up experiencing life without any luxuries
,
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apply
show examples
 and are more prepared to face the problems that might arise in the future. Many renowned entrepreneurs including Mukesh Ambani have addressed the fact that
,
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apply
show examples
 poverty is the greatest teacher and the biggest motivator. When a person has minimal facilities, they learn to be more appreciative of whatever they have,
moreover
, it pushes them to
work
 hard to achieve the things they have been missing.
However
,
on the other hand
,
children
 with wealthy parents have all the amenities since birth. Because they have never had to struggle, and most things were presented to them on a silver platter, they think it is their right, and often neglect the
work
 and effort put into it.
Furthermore
, it makes it hard for them to accept any small
inconvience
Correct your spelling
inconvenience
.
For instance
, if there
is
Change the verb form
are
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 electricity issues in a locality, a child who grew up in a poor family and experienced these
while
 growing up would be able to adapt quickly to
this
 situation
,
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apply
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 and would try to
work
 around it.
However
, a rich child would rather get much more uncomfortable and would not know how to deal with the solution.
Therefore
, an
inconvience
Correct your spelling
inconvenience
 as small as a short power supply outage can depict that
privilaged
Correct your spelling
privileged
 kids have a hard time adjusting to the world on their own.
I
Correct your spelling
In
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 conclusion, I completely agree that wealthy kids are much more dependent on other people to help them with their
work
, and find it hard to tackle
with
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apply
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problems on their own,
however
,
children
 from poor families learn to overcome struggles from an early age, and
thus
 know how to navigate difficult situations.
Submitted by khushichhillar on

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language
You should use a varied range of vocabulary and grammar structures to enhance your score further. Try to avoid repetition of words and phrases. For instance, using 'problems' multiple times could be replaced with synonyms to avoid redundancy.
task achievement
To improve task response, make sure to elaborate on your examples a bit more, providing concrete situations or anecdotes to fully substantiate your points.
language
Ensure that there are fewer grammatical errors, such as 'tackle with problems', which should be 'tackle problems'. Proofreading your work can help catch these small mistakes.
coherence cohesion
Good structure with a clear introduction, well-supported body paragraphs, and a concise conclusion.
task achievement
Reasonable use of specific examples to support your points, making the argument more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Logical flow throughout the essay, making it easy to follow your main arguments and supporting points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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