IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say that art subjects such as painting or drawing should not be made compulsory for high school students. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #art #subjects #school #students
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It is often said that art pursuits requiring personal preferences
such
 as painting or drawing should be made optional. In my opinion, despite the lack of some professional requirements for
specific
Add an article
a specific
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 career, I agree that every student should be obliged to study
this
 subject. Admittedly, artistic pursuits are pale in comparison with other core
subjects
. Since analysis and communication skills are proven to be indispensable in every profession, maths and literature are gaining more recognition and preferences.
This
 hypothesis is predicated on the assumption that if the students are skilled in
such
subjects
, they can set the base of every profession and are likely to meet the basic demands of the majority of work nowadays.
However
,
this
 line of reasoning is not sound because of the advent of technology that helps humans in the workplace. Equations and jobs requiring data analysis can be solved easily by advanced machines, and the wave of working from home
also
 halts communication between people, paving the way for those who are not confident in their public speaking skills.
Moreover
, arts could be a job orientation in the future. Learning these
subjects
 well gives you more chances in the world of career, especially for those born with inborn innate talents and have a strong passion for
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
. In
modern
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the modern
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 day, there are more people paying for the quality of mental health, wanting it to be more
colorful
Change the spelling
colourful
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, so
this
 field of jobs
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 becoming both commonplace
as well as
 prospective. More jobs could be offered, reducing the rate of unemployment. Take,
for example
, an art teacher as an example, who not only earns a living but
also
 maintains
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 passion and love for
this
 kind of job. In conclusion, as the concern about the fact that learning
subjects
 with base knowledge is more necessary to get higher chances of employment is overcome with the rise of technology, I strongly believe that it should be included in the academic curriculum
due to
 the potential job opportunities for inborn-talented students with innate talents.
Submitted by ngocthuykatie on

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coherence cohesion
The essay would benefit from more clearly defined paragraph structures and smoother transitions between ideas, which would improve logical flow.
task achievement
Though the argument is largely relevant, some points need further elaboration or more specific examples to back them up stronger.
coherence cohesion
You have provided a clear introduction and a well-summarized conclusion, making your stance on the issue clear.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task effectively by discussing both sides of the argument and providing a clear opinion.
task achievement
Your arguments about the advances in technology and their impact on the necessity of traditional core subjects are perceptive.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • foster
  • creativity
  • imagination
  • emotional intelligence
  • express themselves
  • compulsory
  • hidden talents
  • detract
  • core subjects
  • inclination
  • stressful
  • unproductive
  • critical thinking
  • problem-solving skills
  • universal appeal
  • cultural education
  • diverse backgrounds
  • standardized testing
  • academic performance
  • quality
  • creativity
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