IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In many cities the use of video cameras in public places is being increased in order to reduce crime, but some people believe that these measures restrict our individual freedom. Do the benefits of increased security outweigh the drawbacks.

#cities #video #cameras #places #crime #people #measures #freedom #security
Nowadays,
video
cameras
 have been used over the
last
 few years, and there has been a dramatic increase in the number of
video
cameras
 in houses and in public regions.
This
 problem is evenly significant to investigate its root causes.
The
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Before reaching viable solutions to the following lines, the causes of
this
 troublesome issue,
along with
 some beneficial/positive steps forward to address it, will be reviewed. One of the most critical factors for using
video
cameras
 publically is that it breaches individual confidentiality and privacy, and every person will feel insecure. Not only does
this
 have a deleterious impact on mental health, but it
also
 detrimentally affects the sense of freedom in the environment.
For instance
, some can use
cameras
 for other aims
illegally
Change the word
illegal
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,
such
 as cooperating with several foreign organisations to share information about the residents in specific areas, special schools or valuable
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
for example
, gold markets and petrol stations.
On the other hand
, some people found that
video
cameras
 at public transportation, schools, universities and supermarkets are vital as they prevent crimes of child abuse, and there are significant reports regarding these benefits.
Consequently
, it was recommended by most companies
due to
this
 fact.
However
, all sectors of society are urgently required to share the responsibility to end recurrent dangers and crimes;
thus
,
this
 is an alarming concern. To recapitulate, it is widely acknowledged that the factors of using
cameras
 in public mainly emanate from life experiences of recurrent crimes
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the same time
hakers
Correct your spelling
hackers
hawkers
 who hack the
cameras
 ,
however
, some positive actions could be taken by the public and decision-makers to mitigate the
unfavorable
Change the spelling
unfavourable
show examples
 effects of
this
 wide-grown concern.
Submitted by holamonem79 on

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coherence cohesion
To improve, try to ensure that each paragraph has a clear, singular focus and that the ideas flow logically from one to the next. Also, refine the use of examples to support your points more specifically and effectively.
task achievement
Clarify your ideas and arguments further. Ensure that each point is fully elaborated and backed up with relevant examples. This will make your response more comprehensive and compelling.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The introduction sets up the issue, and the conclusion recapitulates the main points well.
task achievement
The essay attempts to address both sides of the argument, acknowledging the benefits and drawbacks of using video cameras in public places.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Surveillance cameras
  • Public safety
  • Deterrent
  • Evidence collection
  • Apprehend perpetrators
  • Public spaces
  • Invasion of privacy
  • Civil liberties
  • Abuse of power
  • Misuse
  • Cost implications
  • Monitoring
  • Maintenance
  • Essential services
  • Justice system
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