IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that time spent on television and computer games can be valuable for children. Others believe this has negative effects on a child. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #time #television #computer #games #children #effects #child
Few people support the fact that the
time
 spent on
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 and television is a waste of
time
whereas
 others view the situation oppositely. I will discuss both views
alongwith
Correct your spelling
along with
 my opinion in the impending paragraphs.
To begin
 with, some folks see
time
 as
very
Add an article
a very
the very
show examples
 precious thing which once gone is never gonna come back. So,
according to
them
Add a comma
them,
show examples
kids
 should not be wasting their precious years of life by watching television and playing computer games.
Instead
, they should be using their valuable
time
 in more productive activities
such
 as developing a skill or spending
time
 with their loved ones which will improve their
menatlity
Correct your spelling
mentality
 and
strenthen
Correct your spelling
strengthen
 their
relations
Replace the word
relationships
show examples
.
Moreover
,
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
spending more
time
 in front of screens which is affecting their eyesight
alongwith
Correct your spelling
along with
 the lack of social skills. On the flip side, there are few individuals who
thinks
Change the verb form
think
show examples
 that
kids
 are not wasting their priceless
time
 by sitting in front of computer or television screens. Considering, the competitive age, in which we are living, these
source
Fix the agreement mistake
sources
show examples
 of entertainment not only give the juveniles the required break that they need from their hectic study schedules but
also
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
show examples
 them to become more productive. To add more, the minors get to know more about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
today's world be it in terms of fashion or societal norms. Personally,
in
Change preposition
from
show examples
 my
prespective
Correct your spelling
perspective
, I feel like the
kids
 should be allowed to have some screen
time
 but it should completely be
in
Change preposition
under
show examples
 the
supervsion
Correct your spelling
supervision
 of guardians. It will not only allow them to grow mentally but
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
also
 help in shaping their future. But, I feel like
its
Correct your spelling
it is
show examples
 completely
parents'
Correct article usage
the parents'
show examples
resposnibility
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 to set up
proper
Add an article
a proper
show examples
 timetable for their offsprings which give them
time
do
Fix the infinitive
to do
show examples
 everything in a day.
To conclude
,
kids
 are like wet clay which can be moulded into any shape depending upon the decisions their parents and teachers take for them.
Submitted by kaur75971 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Your essay would benefit from clearer paragraphing and signposting between ideas. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and is connected logically to the next.
task achievement
It would be helpful to develop each point further with specific examples or more detailed explanations. This will make your argument stronger and more persuasive.
language accuracy
Pay attention to language accuracy. There were a few errors in grammar, spelling, and word choice that could be avoided with careful proofreading.
structure
The structure of your essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, which is very important for coherence and cohesion.
task response
You have presented both sides of the argument, which fulfills the task requirements well.
task response
Your opinion is clearly stated and well-expressed. This shows confidence in your perspective.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!