In some countries an average employee is legally obliged to retire at the age of 55 or 60, while in others, like Japan, people can work until they are physically and mentally fit to perform duties. what is the system prevailing in your country? until what age should people be allowed to countinue in salaried jobs. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.
In these days, different states have different policies about the retirement of the working population. The lifespan of an individual is increasing year by year, and we live longer than ever.
Therefore
, some nations change their policy Linking Words
according to
make some economic benefits.
Linking Words
Firstly
, there are lots of countries, like South Korea, that force their nation get retire at the age of 60 or earlier. Some people might believe that it causes a lack of tax income, and some difficulties in giving retired individuals a proper lifetime. Linking Words
However
, there are lots of younger men and women who have more energy to work harder. Linking Words
Besides
some people think that the quality of the workers is lower because they have no experience, the government should take care of the younger generations by supporting them with some opportunities.
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On the other hand
, there are some countries, like Japan, where human beings can continue working as long as they physically and mentally can. Linking Words
Therefore
, there is a big range in the distribution of the salaries. The older and experienced humans make more money Linking Words
while
the younger and beginner ones gain less.
In my country, Turkey, the age of retirement is constantly changing Linking Words
due to
the average expected age of the individuals increasing. Some decades ago, men and women could find an occupation when they graduated from high school, and could be retired after 20 years of working time. Linking Words
However
, these days, finding a job is much harder even if someone is post-graduated because of the government's economic policy. The population should pay more taxes unless they are retired. Linking Words
Furthermore
, even if retired individuals pay less taxes, it is almost impossible to have a proper life with a retirement salary. Linking Words
Therefore
, not only the government wants them to work longer years, but Linking Words
also
the population choose to do it. In Turkey, men and women have to work until they become 65 and 60 years old respectively.
In conclusion, there is no agreed time to get them retired worldwide. Especially, in developing countries, human beings should continue working longer to gain higher wages.Linking Words
Submitted by bloodylady on
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coherence cohesion
Your essay includes an introduction and conclusion, which provide a good framework. However, some ideas are not fully developed or clearly linked. For a higher score, ensure every paragraph transitions smoothly from one idea to the next and that each point is fully elaborated with specific details.
coherence cohesion
To improve clarity and coherence, focus on avoiding repetitive phrases and sharpening sentence structure. Transitions between points can be made more explicit to guide the reader through your argument smoothly.
task achievement
Ensure each argument is fully developed. Some points, such as the economic impact on tax revenue due to early retirement, would benefit from further elaboration and specific examples. Aim to provide clear and comprehensive ideas in each paragraph.
task achievement
You made a clear complete response to the prompt and covered various perspectives on retirement age policies in different countries.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is structured logically with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
You used relevant examples from different countries and your own experience to support your points.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example