IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In some countries children take up paid jobs during the summer vacation. Some people feel that this amounts to child labour. Others argue that summer jobs help children learn valuable lessons. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#countries #children #jobs #summer #vacation #people #amounts #child #labour #lessons
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It is often argued
that is
 who let their
children
 take a paid
job
 is bad for them , but there are many people who think that it is a valuable lesson. In my point of view, I see
that is
 good for
children
 and it will build their character in the future. Some people think it is not good for
children
 to take a paid
job
 because they are still
children
, and they don't know what to do if they face a problem in the
job
 or outside life,
also
, they think that
children
 do not have the power to work after a hard year in school. Many families start to think of many bad scenarios" What if anyone kidnapped him " or "Maybe someone stole his pocket " and start to reject the idea of letting the
children
 take a paid
job
 and discover life outside. On the other side. Many families start to encourage the
children
 to step out of the home, and
also
 to build their character. They have an idea that if the
children
 stay a long time at home they will be weak, and not independent of themselves, so they start to let them out and face all the problems by themselves to learn how to solve them later. In conclusion. it really depends on the mental side of the family because there are many advantages and disadvantages to
this
 enormous and dangerous step. I really think it's advantageous for the
children
 and the family to have a strong child in the future.
Submitted by bcynfn159 on

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task response
Work on providing a clearer thesis statement in the introduction to clearly state your stance. This will give the essay a stronger direction.
task response
Make sure to include more specific examples and details to strengthen your arguments. This enhances the clarity and relevance of your points.
coherence and cohesion
Improve paragraph transitions to make the flow of ideas smoother. This will help in connecting different parts of your essay cohesively.
coherence and cohesion
Address grammar and punctuation issues. Errors such as "is who let their children" (it should be "those who let their children") and "Many families start to think of many bad scenarios" during present continuous repetitions can disrupt the readability of your essay.
task response
You have provided a clear introduction and conclusion to your essay, which helps in framing your discussion effectively.
coherence and cohesion
You have made a good attempt at presenting both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced approach to the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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