IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work
Currently, it is completely complicated to perform successfully at
school
due to
 the
overload
Change the verb form
overloaded
show examples
 schedule, and some individuals argue that
subjects
 that are
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a second priorities
Correct the article-noun agreement
second priorities
a second priority
show examples
,
such
 as
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 and bakery time, need to be removed from the curriculum activities in order to give pupils space for studying their main
subjects
,
while
 I completely disagree with
this
 statement, because headteachers must give them
opportunity
Add an article
the opportunity
an opportunity
show examples
 to do whatever they aim to learn from
school
 boundaries. Every student has
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
talents in every sphere, and
school
 authorities should not remove not prioritized
subjects
. Because some
students
 of
school
, who are inclined to physical activities or cookery skills, could
loose
Replace the word
lose
show examples
 themselves in the future.
This
 means that they will follow another path in which they did not
aimed
Change the verb form
aim
show examples
.
For example
, the vast majority of adults in Kazakhstan do not work
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the exact field that they studied at
school
 and university. The reason was related to their high
school
subjects
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 when they had lessons of only target-oriented
subjects
such
 as biology or math in order to prepare technical and nursery staff in our country.
In addition
, if
students
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 high
school
 want to concentrate better and receive
maximum
Correct article usage
a maximum
show examples
 quantity of scores, they definitely need to have a good
relax
Change the form of the verb
relaxing
show examples
 time
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 non-mandatory
subjects
.
Due to
 the fact that
students
 have to balance their
schedule
Fix the agreement mistake
schedules
show examples
.
Furthermore
, unwinding maintains their mentality by enabling them to focus more on their profile-oriented lessons.
For instance
, scientists from Japan proved that
cores
Correct article usage
the cores
show examples
 of the brain systems work much better after the rest
between
Change preposition
of
show examples
hard-work
Correct your spelling
hard work
show examples
, associated with educational purposes. In conclusion, the right decision
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
this
 dilemma is making that
subjects
 not obligatory in the
school
 curriculum in order to give a chance for other
students
 to take part
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
if they are interested. I believe that it would be a
dramatical
Replace the word
dramatic
show examples
 mistake to remove them.
Submitted by zhomart on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Grammar
Make sure to proofread and correct some minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For instance, 'loose themselves' should be 'lose themselves.'
Examples
Enrich your essay with more specific examples that illustrate your points effectively. This will help in making your argument stronger and more compelling.
Coherence
Strive for a smoother flow between sentences and paragraphs to improve coherence. Use transitional phrases and connectors like 'however,' 'furthermore,' and 'in addition' more effectively.
Structure
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which provide a well-rounded response to the prompt.
Dimensions
The writer addresses multiple dimensions of the issue, touching upon the importance of non-academic subjects for talents and mental relaxation.
Response
The essay provides a solid response to the task, indicating a clear stance and supporting it with relevant points.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
What to do next:
Look at other essays: