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Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people prefer to shop in traditional stores. Other people prefer to do their shopping online Discuss and give your opinion

#people #shop #stores
These days, people tend more toward doing their shopping online rather than shopping in traditional stores. From my own perspective, I prefer shopping online as it is less
time consuming
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time-consuming
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 and more
conveniet
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convenient
. On
on
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one
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 hand, shopping online has several benefits.
For example
, the consumers won't need any
mean
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means
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 of transportation, as the only thing they will need is their mobile phone and the
conecction
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connection
 to the
internet
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Internet
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.
Moreover
, people can effortlessly find their style of clothing as a
filteration
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filtration
 method is applied in shopping websites to help consumers find their best fit. One time, I had a long busy week, and I couldn't go to the shopping centers to look for a dress that
matches
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matched
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 the dress code given to me, so I
can
Wrong verb form
could
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 attend the party that I was invited to.
Then
 a friend suggested I look for a dress
in
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on
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Shein
Correct article usage
the Shein
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 website and order it
immediatly
Correct your spelling
immediately
.
On the other hand
, shopping in traditional stores can be an enjoyable experience. Starting from touching the clothes' material to wearing the outfits to pick the best fit size
then
lastly
 carrying all these heavy bags.
This
 experience can have a great impact on our mood.
According to
 a study That I have read, a huge percentage of women feel happier and more energized after a long shopping day in malls. In short,
although
 both ways of shopping
has
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have
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its
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their
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 merits and demerits, I personally prefer shopping online because it is easier and will help me to save up more time.
Submitted by 9500kawther1700 on

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task achievement
It would be beneficial to further explain and elaborate on your points. For example, include more specific examples or anecdotes that relate directly to your views on online shopping and its convenience.
coherence and cohesion
Some minor grammatical errors and typographical mistakes (such as 'Moreover,' instead of 'Morover,') should be corrected to make the essay more polished.
coherence and cohesion
Consider concluding each body paragraph with a sentence that ties the example back to the main point being discussed. This would improve the overall cohesiveness of the essay.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is generally well-structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task achievement
The examples provided are relevant and help to illustrate the points made, especially the anecdote about shopping online for a dress.
coherence and cohesion
The ideas are clear and logically presented, making it easy to follow your line of reasoning.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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