IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In some countries children take up paid jobs during the summer vacation. Some people feel that this amounts to child labour. Others argue that summer jobs help children learn valuable lessons. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#countries #children #jobs #summer #vacation #people #amounts #child #labour #lessons
In recent years, there has been
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 debate
between
Change preposition
about
show examples
 letting
children
work
 during the summer vacation versus an appropriate
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 under child labour. With valid arguments on both sides, some individuals opine that
children
 would receive irreplaceable lessons from engaging in
work
,
while
 others believe that might be harmful to
kids
. In the forthcoming paragraphs, I shall explain my point of view. To commence with the disagreement, bunches of parents highly disagree with taking up paid jobs in teens because it might lead to stress and overworking. To exemplify, in some hierarchical workplaces, the younger may usually be oppressed by the seniors which can cause a badly structured environment in a company.
Moreover
,
instead
 of spending quality time with friends and family during holidays, the
kids
 must be focusing on
work
 consistently.
Conversely
, proponents of letting
kids
work
 and learn independently argue that
this
 will be a great opportunity for
children
 to widen their perspectives and expand society.
For instance
, in the process of working, they can improve coping skills and critical thinking or learn how to handle
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
stress.
Additionally
, they can make connections and establish professional relationships, which may be useful in the future. It plays a crucial role in the growth and improvement
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 teenagers as well. In my view, spending valuable time exploring and working is one of the best ways to become a better version of themselves.
Besides
, they can acquire a knowledge of budgeting money, which is really important whether in
kids
 or adults.
Therefore
, I wholeheartedly with
this
 ideology to let
children
 start to
work
 in their free time. In conclusion, the advantages of taking up paid jobs outweigh the disadvantages apparently.
Hence
, the law should
be promoting
Wrong verb form
promote
show examples
 and
protecting
Wrong verb form
protect
show examples
 child labour properly.
Submitted by netika5646 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
While the essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, the arguments in the body paragraphs could benefit from more specific examples and deeper analysis to strengthen the points made. Try to incorporate data, personal anecdotes, or more detailed scenarios to make your arguments more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph logically builds upon the previous one. Although the essay is generally well-structured, some transitions could be smoother. This can be achieved by using linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion that states the writer's opinion.
coherence cohesion
The introduction effectively sets up the discussion, and the conclusion reinforces the author’s stance well.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: