IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some countries children take up paid jobs during the summer vacation. Some people feel that this amounts to child labour. Others argue that summer jobs help children learn valuable lessons. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#countries #children #jobs #summer #vacation #people #amounts #child #labour #lessons
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In recent years, there has been
the
Correct article usage
a
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 debate
between
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about
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 letting
children
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work
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 during the summer vacation versus an appropriate
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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 under child labour. With valid arguments on both sides, some individuals opine that
children
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 would receive irreplaceable lessons from engaging in
work
Use synonyms
,
while
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 others believe that might be harmful to
kids
Use synonyms
. In the forthcoming paragraphs, I shall explain my point of view. To commence with the disagreement, bunches of parents highly disagree with taking up paid jobs in teens because it might lead to stress and overworking. To exemplify, in some hierarchical workplaces, the younger may usually be oppressed by the seniors which can cause a badly structured environment in a company.
Moreover
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,
instead
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 of spending quality time with friends and family during holidays, the
kids
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 must be focusing on
work
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 consistently.
Conversely
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, proponents of letting
kids
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work
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 and learn independently argue that
this
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 will be a great opportunity for
children
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 to widen their perspectives and expand society.
For instance
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, in the process of working, they can improve coping skills and critical thinking or learn how to handle
with
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apply
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stress.
Additionally
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, they can make connections and establish professional relationships, which may be useful in the future. It plays a crucial role in the growth and improvement
for
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of
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 teenagers as well. In my view, spending valuable time exploring and working is one of the best ways to become a better version of themselves.
Besides
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, they can acquire a knowledge of budgeting money, which is really important whether in
kids
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 or adults.
Therefore
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, I wholeheartedly with
this
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 ideology to let
children
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 start to
work
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 in their free time. In conclusion, the advantages of taking up paid jobs outweigh the disadvantages apparently.
Hence
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, the law should
be promoting
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promote
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 and
protecting
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protect
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 child labour properly.
Submitted by netika5646 on

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task achievement
While the essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, the arguments in the body paragraphs could benefit from more specific examples and deeper analysis to strengthen the points made. Try to incorporate data, personal anecdotes, or more detailed scenarios to make your arguments more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph logically builds upon the previous one. Although the essay is generally well-structured, some transitions could be smoother. This can be achieved by using linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion that states the writer's opinion.
coherence cohesion
The introduction effectively sets up the discussion, and the conclusion reinforces the author’s stance well.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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