IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that what children watch influences their behaviour. Others believe the amount of time they spend on television influences their be haviour most. Discuss both vie ws and give your opinion.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There are split opinions regarding
TV
Use synonyms
 influences on
children
Use synonyms
's
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
. Some believe that
TV
Use synonyms
channels
Use synonyms
Add a missing verb
are effective
show examples
effective
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
negatively on
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
,
Rephrase
negatively, whereas
show examples
whereas
Linking Words
 another group of thinkers support that the hours of watching television
effective
Add a missing verb
are effective
show examples
 dramatically
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
kids
Change noun form
kids'
kid's
show examples
 attitudes.
Therefore
Linking Words
, before commenting on my decision, both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
opinion
Fix the agreement mistake
opinions
show examples
 would be discussed. Examining the former opinion, the primary
arguments
Fix the agreement mistake
argument
show examples
 the supporters would put
forwards
Replace the word
forward
show examples
 is television programs influence
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
kids
Change noun form
kids'
kid's
show examples
 minds.
That is
Linking Words
 because
TV
Use synonyms
channels
Use synonyms
 include wild-range programs that are not appropriate for all ages.
For example
Linking Words
, Romantic movies have immoral shots
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 under 18 years old. The
Children
Use synonyms
 who watch
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 films might copy
Correct article usage
the actors
show examples
actors
Change noun form
actors'
actor's
show examples
 bad
movement
Fix the agreement mistake
movements
show examples
.
In addition
Linking Words
, they
also
Linking Words
 believe that when young watching
TV
Use synonyms
 , they acquire foreign culture. To elaborate more,
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the early age between 3 to 15 years old, individuals in
this
Linking Words
 age sharply acquire knowledge and
moral
Fix the agreement mistake
morals
show examples
;
therefore
Linking Words
, overseas cultures
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
appear
at
Change preposition
on
show examples
TV
Use synonyms
channels
Use synonyms
,
could
Correct pronoun usage
which could
show examples
 influence
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 by
mixed
Wrong verb form
mixing
show examples
 their mother
country
Change noun form
country's
show examples
 culture with another one.
On the contrary
Linking Words
, the
later
Correct your spelling
latter
show examples
 view
suggest
Change the verb form
suggests
show examples
 that the time that
children
Use synonyms
 had spending
TV
Use synonyms
play
Correct subject-verb agreement
plays
show examples
significant
Add an article
a significant
show examples
 role
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their attitudes. Because
Linking Words
this
Change preposition
of this
show examples
, having
over time
Correct your spelling
overtime
show examples
 on
front
Correct article usage
the front
show examples
 television screen could loss
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 health of
children
Use synonyms
. To clarify, sitting
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
front
Correct article usage
the front
show examples
 screen without movement will
effect
Verb problem
apply
show examples
negatively on child development and
psychology
Replace the word
psychological
show examples
 health. They will be more
anger
Replace the word
angry
show examples
 and isolated from society.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 unhealthy lifestyle produces
danger
Replace the word
dangerous
show examples
 diseases
such
Linking Words
 as
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
show examples
 , physical and
psychology
Replace the word
psychological
show examples
 issues
as well as
Linking Words
 hard
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
show examples
due to
Linking Words
Correct article usage
a decrease
show examples
decrease
Replace the word
decreased
show examples
 rate
on doing
Verb problem
of
show examples
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
.
To conclude
Linking Words
 and give my opinion, I would say that both
miss-control
Correct your spelling
the control
show examples
 of time management and
TV
Use synonyms
channels
Use synonyms
 influence
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 through
types
Correct article usage
the types
show examples
 of programs and
period
Fix the agreement mistake
periods
show examples
 of watching
TV
Use synonyms
. So, the most ideal way to deal with
this
Linking Words
 situation is by parents’ careful observation.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

grammar
To improve the essay, focus on correcting grammatical errors and ensuring proper sentence structure. For instance, use 'children's behavior' instead of 'children behavior' and 'TV channels affect' instead of 'TV channels effective.'
coherence
Enhance coherence and cohesion by using more linking words and phrases, such as 'Firstly,' 'Additionally,' 'Furthermore,' etc. to facilitate a smoother flow of ideas.
examples
While the essay does provide examples, they could be more relevant and specific. For example, mention actual TV shows or cultural elements that might influence children and use statistical data if possible.
structure
The essay covers both perspectives of the argument and provides a personal opinion, which is excellent for task achievement.
structure
The introduction and conclusion are present and help to frame the essay, making it easier to understand the writer's stance.
content
The essay attempts to provide reasons and examples for the opinions expressed, which is crucial for a complete response.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: