IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people say that what children watch influences their behaviour. Others believe the amount of time they spend on television influences their be haviour most. Discuss both vie ws and give your opinion.

#people #children #influences #behaviour #amount #time #television #haviour #ws
There are split opinions regarding
TV
 influences on
children
's
behaviors
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behaviours
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. Some believe that
TV
channels
Add a missing verb
are effective
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effective
Correct word choice
apply
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negatively on
children
Change noun form
children's
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behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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,
Rephrase
negatively, whereas
show examples
whereas
 another group of thinkers support that the hours of watching television
effective
Add a missing verb
are effective
show examples
 dramatically
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
kids
Change noun form
kids'
kid's
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 attitudes.
Therefore
, before commenting on my decision, both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
opinion
Fix the agreement mistake
opinions
show examples
 would be discussed. Examining the former opinion, the primary
arguments
Fix the agreement mistake
argument
show examples
 the supporters would put
forwards
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forward
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 is television programs influence
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
kids
Change noun form
kids'
kid's
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 minds.
That is
 because
TV
channels
 include wild-range programs that are not appropriate for all ages.
For example
, Romantic movies have immoral shots
to
Change preposition
of
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child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
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 under 18 years old. The
Children
 who watch
this
Correct determiner usage
these
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 films might copy
Correct article usage
the actors
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actors
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actors'
actor's
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 bad
movement
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movements
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.
In addition
, they
also
 believe that when young watching
TV
 , they acquire foreign culture. To elaborate more,
in
Change preposition
at
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 the early age between 3 to 15 years old, individuals in
this
 age sharply acquire knowledge and
moral
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morals
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;
therefore
, overseas cultures
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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appear
at
Change preposition
on
show examples
TV
channels
,
could
Correct pronoun usage
which could
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 influence
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children
 by
mixed
Wrong verb form
mixing
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 their mother
country
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country's
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 culture with another one.
On the contrary
, the
later
Correct your spelling
latter
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 view
suggest
Change the verb form
suggests
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 that the time that
children
 had spending
TV
play
Correct subject-verb agreement
plays
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significant
Add an article
a significant
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 role
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their attitudes. Because
this
Change preposition
of this
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, having
over time
Correct your spelling
overtime
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 on
front
Correct article usage
the front
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 television screen could loss
the
Change preposition
of the
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 health of
children
. To clarify, sitting
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
front
Correct article usage
the front
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 screen without movement will
effect
Verb problem
apply
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negatively on child development and
psychology
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psychological
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 health. They will be more
anger
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angry
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 and isolated from society.
Moreover
,
this
 unhealthy lifestyle produces
danger
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dangerous
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 diseases
such
 as
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
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 , physical and
psychology
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psychological
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 issues
as well as
 hard
disease
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diseases
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due to
Correct article usage
a decrease
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decrease
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decreased
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 rate
on doing
Verb problem
of
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exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
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.
To conclude
 and give my opinion, I would say that both
miss-control
Correct your spelling
the control
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 of time management and
TV
channels
 influence
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 through
types
Correct article usage
the types
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 of programs and
period
Fix the agreement mistake
periods
show examples
 of watching
TV
. So, the most ideal way to deal with
this
 situation is by parents’ careful observation.
Submitted by sheikha1996mohammed on

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grammar
To improve the essay, focus on correcting grammatical errors and ensuring proper sentence structure. For instance, use 'children's behavior' instead of 'children behavior' and 'TV channels affect' instead of 'TV channels effective.'
coherence
Enhance coherence and cohesion by using more linking words and phrases, such as 'Firstly,' 'Additionally,' 'Furthermore,' etc. to facilitate a smoother flow of ideas.
examples
While the essay does provide examples, they could be more relevant and specific. For example, mention actual TV shows or cultural elements that might influence children and use statistical data if possible.
structure
The essay covers both perspectives of the argument and provides a personal opinion, which is excellent for task achievement.
structure
The introduction and conclusion are present and help to frame the essay, making it easier to understand the writer's stance.
content
The essay attempts to provide reasons and examples for the opinions expressed, which is crucial for a complete response.

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