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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that having a set retirement age (e.g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier stage. Do you agree or disagree? Which type of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement?

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Nowadays, superannuation is determined by pre-defined times by higher authorities. the majority of society is overwhelmed with set
retirement
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time
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 for every employee
while
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 others oppose it and believe that workers need pensions in earlier stages. I completely agree with them. The following paragraph sheds light on the benefits of early
retirement
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.
to begin
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 with, there are myriad reasons for early stopping work.
Firstly
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, some workers do tough jobs that are unfortunately prohibited from fulfilling the basic needs of
life
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 so people prefer to leave the job and lack of freedom to enjoy their
life
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 with family and peers, early
retirement
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 provides
time
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 to relax and spend
time
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 doing that activity which flourishes their mind.
For instance
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, an army person lives many months without their family and works hard, they do not have personal space.
That is
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 why, it is good to get rid of that hectic routine and make mind healthy.
Secondly
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, medical conditions make a man get out of their respective employment and make
time
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 to rest. probing ahead, there are many advantages for those who are doing government jobs that have
such
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 benefits as; enjoying their
life
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, giving a chance to youngsters, and participating in different occasions.
For example
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, government teachers are tired from their hectic routine and avoid get-togethers and family
time
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 so they receive early pensions to support their family.
Furthermore
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, a person starts their business from the allowance and becomes a good entrepreneur.
to sum up
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, for the aforementioned reasons,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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initial seclusion has a good effect on mental and physical health. The government should support their society for the betterment of
life
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. In the end, I agree that a person needs early age
retirement
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.

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coherence cohesion
Organize your ideas into clear paragraphs. Each paragraph should contain one main idea that you develop fully before moving on to the next.
task achievement
Provide more relevant and specific examples to support your main points. This will strengthen your arguments and make your essay more convincing.
task achievement
Make sure your ideas are clearly and comprehensively explained. Avoid vague statements and provide detailed explanations.
task achievement
You have successfully presented your opinion and provided reasons to support it.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reinforces your opinion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • set retirement age
  • regardless of occupation
  • unfair
  • deserve to retire
  • pension
  • high-stress professions
  • emergency responders
  • military personnel
  • physical and psychological tolls
  • manual labor jobs
  • physically taxing demands
  • justified
  • healthcare workers
  • burnout
  • psychological strain
  • high-risk environments
  • creative and cognitive jobs
  • productive lifespan
  • financial impact
  • pension system
  • early retirement policies
  • specific professions
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