Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Swift global advance in
world
nowadays does not only affect technology and government, but Add an article
the world
its
Change the pronoun
it
also
affected
others Wrong verb form
affects
such
as society, economy, moreover
military. Military as we know is a defense system
of a country
or nation, however
sometimes in several countries the system
they take regarding the military are
varies but most of it is Unnecessary verb
apply
compulsory
Add an article
a compulsory
the compulsory
system
. Compulsory
Correct article usage
A compulsory
system
is where when men or women with
adult age Change preposition
of
graduated
from school they must sign Wrong verb form
graduate
their selves
to join the military whether they like it or not. Personally, I Replace the word
themselves up
don’t
agree with this
system
which force
young Change the verb form
forces
people
to do things that doesn’t
fit with their selves.
To Change the verb form
don’t
force
people
to do something they don’t
want to do is already against the law,
because it is Remove the comma
apply
same
Correct article usage
the same
like
discrimination, where you are Change preposition
as
force
to do something when you have your own rights. Change the form of the verb
forced
Literally
Add a comma
Literally,
this
type of encouragement is extinguishing people
potential within their selves. Change noun form
people's
For instance
, when men or women wants
to be Change the verb form
want
an
Correct article usage
apply
artist
or maybe Fix the agreement mistake
artists
doctor
because their capabilities are in Fix the agreement mistake
doctors
such
occupations but country
Correct article usage
the country
force
them to sign Correct subject-verb agreement
forces
for
the military, we Change preposition
up for
don’t
think that it will work properly in the government especially military
, because they have their own skills and capabilities about what they can do, Correct article usage
the military
for instance
you cant tell fish to climb the trees or maybe tell the monkey to swim across the water because they have their own capabilities to do what they are good at something, moreover
a force
action conducted by a nation can lead to a rebellion from the people
, for instance
like The North Korean people
did.
However
, it is so clear that compulsory
military Correct article usage
a compulsory
system
creates patriotism among the people
. This
system
makes people
to
love their Change the verb form
apply
country
and respect their country
despite they have to do it by force
, but it makes them to
salute their Change the verb form
apply
ancestor
more and really Fix the agreement mistake
ancestors
make
them Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
to
obey the Change the verb form
apply
government
will which not many countries without Change noun form
government's
compulsory
Correct article usage
a compulsory
system
can do it. In
Change preposition
On
other
Correct article usage
the other
hand
it is still wrong for someone or Add a comma
hand,
nation
to Correct article usage
a nation
force
people
to do things they don’t
want to do while
they are
already Verb problem
apply
having
their own rights.
Wrong verb form
have
To sum up
, the facts that
presented in Correct pronoun usage
apply
this
essaySubmitted by ru.kabiru.biru on
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coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea. This will make your argument stronger and easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
Develop a stronger conclusion to encapsulate your arguments clearly. Summarize key points effectively.
task achievement
Work on a more comprehensive introduction that sets the stage for your arguments. Clearly state your stance from the beginning.
task achievement
Provide more specific and detailed examples to support your points. This will enhance the credibility of your argument.
general
Review grammar and sentence structure to avoid confusion and ensure clarity. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and proper use of punctuation.
task achievement
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, which is important for a balanced view.
task achievement
The writer attempts to give examples to support their points, which helps in building the argument.
coherence cohesion
The intent to connect different ideas throughout the essay is evident, showing an effort towards cohesion.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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