Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Swift global advance in
world
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the world
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nowadays does not only affect technology and government, but
its
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it
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also
affected
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affects
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others
such
as society, economy,
moreover
military. Military as we know is a defense
system
of a
country
or nation,
however
sometimes in several countries the
system
they take regarding the military
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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varies but most of it is
compulsory
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a compulsory
the compulsory
show examples
system
.
Compulsory
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A compulsory
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system
is where when men or women
with
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of
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adult age
graduated
Wrong verb form
graduate
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from school they must sign
their selves
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themselves up
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to join the military whether they like it or not. Personally, I
don’t
agree with
this
system
which
force
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forces
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young
people
to do things that
doesn’t
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don’t
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fit with their selves. To
force
people
to do something they
don’t
want to do is already against the law
,
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apply
show examples
because it is
same
Correct article usage
the same
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like
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as
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discrimination, where you are
force
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forced
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to do something when you have your own rights.
Literally
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Literally,
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this
type of encouragement is extinguishing
people
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people's
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potential within their selves.
For instance
, when men or women
wants
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want
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to be
an
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apply
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artist
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artists
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or maybe
doctor
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doctors
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because their capabilities are in
such
occupations but
country
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the country
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force
Correct subject-verb agreement
forces
show examples
them to sign
for
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up for
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the military, we
don’t
think that it will work properly in the government especially
military
Correct article usage
the military
show examples
, because they have their own skills and capabilities about what they can do,
for instance
you cant tell fish to climb the trees or maybe tell the monkey to swim across the water because they have their own capabilities to do what they are good at something,
moreover
a
force
action conducted by a nation can lead to a rebellion from the
people
,
for instance
like The North Korean
people
did.
However
, it is so clear that
compulsory
Correct article usage
a compulsory
show examples
military
system
creates patriotism among the
people
.
This
system
makes
people
to
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apply
show examples
love their
country
and respect their
country
despite they have to do it by
force
, but it makes them
to
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apply
show examples
salute their
ancestor
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ancestors
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more and really
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
them
to
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apply
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obey the
government
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government's
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will which not many countries without
compulsory
Correct article usage
a compulsory
show examples
system
can do it.
In
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On
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other
Correct article usage
the other
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hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
it is still wrong for someone or
nation
Correct article usage
a nation
show examples
to
force
people
to do things they
don’t
want to do
while
they
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
already
having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
their own rights.
To sum up
, the facts
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
presented in
this
essay
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coherence cohesion
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coherence cohesion
Develop a stronger conclusion to encapsulate your arguments clearly. Summarize key points effectively.
task achievement
Work on a more comprehensive introduction that sets the stage for your arguments. Clearly state your stance from the beginning.
task achievement
Provide more specific and detailed examples to support your points. This will enhance the credibility of your argument.
general
Review grammar and sentence structure to avoid confusion and ensure clarity. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and proper use of punctuation.
task achievement
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, which is important for a balanced view.
task achievement
The writer attempts to give examples to support their points, which helps in building the argument.
coherence cohesion
The intent to connect different ideas throughout the essay is evident, showing an effort towards cohesion.

Fully explain your ideas

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Compulsory
  • Military service
  • Conscription
  • Patriotism
  • National security
  • Social equality
  • Discipline
  • Physical fitness
  • Life skills
  • Job training
  • Infringement
  • Conscripts
  • Gender equality
  • Mandatory
  • Economy
  • Education system
  • Labor market
  • Civil service
  • Alternative forms
  • Balanced view
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