IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Governments must invest this money in public services instead. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

#government #investment #arts #music #theatre #waste #money #governments #services
In the present world, the cost of local
services
 is on the rise.
people
 believe that investments
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
artworks
such
 as music and theatre are not worthy and
in stead
Correct your spelling
instead
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
this
,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should spend money on community
services
. It is agreed that higher authority must support
local
Add an article
the local
show examples
 community and treat that as a priority. Analysing the current
sitution
Correct your spelling
situation
 of the world,
as well as
 rising demands for local
services
 will prove
this
.
Firstly
, paying for the
extra ordinary
Correct your spelling
extraordinary
show examples
 things will not
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 the requirements of
growing
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a growing
the growing
show examples
 population.
for instance
, it is widely seen,
due
Correct word choice
that due
show examples
 to
covie -19
Correct your spelling
the COVID-19
 pandemic, many
people
loose
Verb problem
have lost
show examples
 their jobs.
moreover
,
day to day
Add a hyphen
day-to-day
show examples
 living became more challenging for an average
middle Class
Add a hyphen
middle-Class
show examples
 person
becuse
Correct your spelling
because
 of
increasing
Correct article usage
the increasing
show examples
 costs
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 daily
necessaries
Replace the word
necessities
show examples
. Unfortunately, spending on art will not be helpful to poor
community
Fix the agreement mistake
communities
show examples
.
Secondly
,
world's
Correct article usage
the world's
show examples
 population is increasing rapidly and so do their requirements.
For example
 , most
civilization
Fix the agreement mistake
civilizations
show examples
 will choose government transportation over private vehicles. Same with the education as
people
 can not afford expensive things nowadays.
This
 makes more clear that public
services
 are more important in
current
Add an article
the current
show examples
 environment. To
summerise
Correct your spelling
summarise
show examples
, the artwork investments will not be able to match
local
Correct article usage
the local
show examples
 public's current necessities.
Therefore
,
it is clear that
idea
Correct article usage
the idea
show examples
 of spending money on music, dance or any other theatre activities cannot be supported. After
thorough
Correct article usage
a thorough
show examples
 analysis
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
 subject, we can say that
people
 are bending towards saving money over entertainment. So,
Correct article usage
the administrative
show examples
administrative
Replace the word
administration
show examples
 should invest more
according to
 local
need
Fix the agreement mistake
needs
show examples
.
Submitted by parmarshreya897 on

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task achievement
Ensure that the introduction clearly outlines your position and what the essay will cover. This will make your argument clearer from the outset.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. Using transitional words and phrases can help the reader follow your argument more easily.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples and evidence to support your main points. This will strengthen your argument and make it more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Proofread the essay to correct grammatical errors and improve sentence structure. This will enhance the clarity and readability of your writing.
task achievement
The essay maintains a clear stance throughout, supporting the idea that government should invest in public services instead of the arts.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and serve their purpose in framing the essay and summarizing the main points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural enrichment
  • expression of creativity
  • promote diversity
  • enhance social cohesion
  • boost tourism
  • job creation
  • stimulate economic growth
  • improve quality of life
  • essential services
  • maintenance and development
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