IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required.

#people #health #sports #facilities #effect #measures
Nowadays, the
overall
health
 rate in the whole world has become a big issue, and in order to fix that, some
people
 want more sporting
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 to be built,
while
 others think it will not make any difference. I would assume that the lack of
sports
 buildings is not the main reason for a low
health
 rate around the world;
nevertheless
, adding more specific
sports
 facilities could help to fix
this
 problem. The majority of
people
 use
sports
 as a way to distract themselves,
therefore
, they want to have fun doing it.
However
, a big margin of
sports
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 are
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
gyms, and there are a lot of
people
 who are not into
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
.
For example
, my friend Nazerke is a big tennis fan, but
unfortunately
Add a comma
unfortunately,
show examples
 there are not any tennis
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 in my town. To keep her body fit, she is still doing exercises but often gives up on them, as she is not enjoying the process. The problem
of
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the new digital generation is that
people
 are already concerned with most of the problems that they have.
However
, they are not willing to do anything about it.
In addition
,
sports
 often bring competition, which might lead to a lot of stress if you are a newcomer, and as I mentioned before, the majority of
people
 do
sports
 in order to distract themselves from the stress.
For example
, I have seen a bunch of videos on “
Tiktok
Correct your spelling
TikTok
show examples
” where
people
 who just started a new hobby to improve their
health
 are being made fun of. In conclusion, I think the problem of public
health
 will not be solved by only adding more
sports
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
;
however
, adding facilities for unpopular
sports’
Change noun form
sports
show examples
 types will not be extra.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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task achievement
You have addressed the task prompt effectively, presenting both sides of the argument. However, your position on the issue could be made clearer, especially towards the end.
coherence cohesion
The essay lacks clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph and some ideas seem slightly disjointed.
coherence cohesion
Adding transitions and connecting phrases between examples and arguments would enhance the logical flow.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and clear, giving the essay a good structure.
task achievement
Relevant specific examples are provided to support your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • sports facilities
  • physical activity
  • exercise
  • chronic diseases
  • heart disease
  • obesity
  • inclusivity
  • participation
  • safe environment
  • social interaction
  • community engagement
  • comprehensive approach
  • health education programs
  • environmental factors
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • quality healthcare services
  • public health initiatives
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