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Writing Samples
Band 3.5

The bar charts below show the prevalence of obesity among boys and girls aged12 to 19 years by ethnicity, in the United States for the years 2004 and 2014. Summariseinformation by selecting and reporting the main features, andamake comparisons where relevant.

The bar charts below show the prevalence of obesity among boys and girls aged12 to 19 years by ethnicity, in the United States for the years 2004 and 2014. Summariseinformation by selecting and reporting the main features, andamake comparisons where relevant.
#bar #show #prevalence #obesity #boys #girls #years #ethnicity #states #summariseinformation #features #andamake #comparisons
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The bar depicts the
obesity
Use synonyms
 percentages by ethnicity among teenagers of both genders aged from 12–19, in the US, in the
Use synonyms
year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
show examples
 2004 and 2014.
Overall
Linking Words
, in 2004 and 2014
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
obesity
Use synonyms
 was highest in
non-Hispanic
Use synonyms
 Black and lowest in
non-Hispanic
Use synonyms
 White.
To begin
Linking Words
, the percentage of
obesity
Use synonyms
 was at
peak
Correct pronoun usage
its peak
show examples
 (29%) in 2014 in
non-Hispanic
Use synonyms
 Black boys and girls,
whereas
Linking Words
 the
least
Correct word choice
lowest
show examples
 number of
adolescents
Fix the agreement mistake
adolescent
show examples
having
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
obesity
Use synonyms
 in the
year
Use synonyms
 2014 was
non-Hispanic
Use synonyms
 White (14%).
Moreover
Linking Words
, the Hispanic ones are having moderate
obesity
Use synonyms
 (17%) in 2014.
Similarly
Linking Words
, the major
youngsters
Correct quantifier usage
number of youngsters
show examples
 suffering from
this
Linking Words
 medical condition were
non-Hispanic
Use synonyms
 Black (6%) in 2004, which was the most significant percentage recorded
this
Linking Words
year
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, the minor ones were
non-Hispanic
Use synonyms
 White (9%), which was the only percentile under 10%.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, 12% of the teenagers were Hispanic
who
Correct word choice
and
show examples
are having
Wrong verb form
were obese
show examples
obesity
Use synonyms
 in the
year
Use synonyms
 2004.
Submitted by sajeehulzamans on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words obesity, year, non-hispanic with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 3 times.
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