IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

1.Directors of organizations receive higher salaries than the ordinary worker. Some people think it is neccesary while others think it is unfair. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#directors #organizations #salaries #worker #people #neccesary
There is a debate over structural organizations in a
company
. On the one hand, the manager of a
company
get
Change the verb form
gets
show examples
 higher salaries than the ordinary workers.
On the other hand
, people argue it is not fair. Both arguments will be discussed below to declare a conclusion. Obviously, the leader of a
company
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 a right to get more money than their relatives that have
position
Correct article usage
a position
show examples
 below them.
For example
, the Project Manager of Unilever got salaries
up
Change preposition
of up
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 to 7.000 US dollars when the
company
experience
Replace the word
experienced
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 surplus conditions. In
this
 project, the Project Manager has tasks to think, develop, execute, and evaluate from production until the products come to the customers. Certainly, it is a hard job to do for the ordinary
staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
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. So, it is understandable if the director
get
Change the verb form
gets
show examples
 more
high
Correct word choice
higher
show examples
 salary. On the other sides, some people think it is unfair because everyone in a
company
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
 their jobs equally.
For instance
, my friend
work
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works
show examples
 as a cashier in a supermarket around our neighbourhood. She works from 9 A.M. to 5 P.M. She said her salaries
does
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do
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 not match with the things she did at work.
This
 opinion
also
Add a missing verb
is also
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 acceptable.
However
, she does not have a skill like her
bos
Correct your spelling
boss
, finding ways how to make the revenue of the supermarket can increase, which
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is harder to do than
be
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
 a cashier. After considering both sides, I feel that I am more suitable
with
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the first argument. It is because the critical thinking and problem solving that they had makes them worth to pay more high than ordinary workers.
Submitted by wishmeluck  on

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task achievement
Your essay successfully addresses both views and provides your own opinion, which reflects a good understanding of the task. However, try to elaborate more on the points you make to further clarify and strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
There are a few grammatical errors and awkward phrasing present throughout the essay. For instance, 'get higher salaries' should be 'get higher salaries.' Notably, the term 'relatives' is used inaccurately and should be replaced with 'subordinates' or 'employees.' Consider proofreading and refining your essay for clarity and accuracy.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, consider using transition words and phrases more effectively to link your ideas. Adding more linking phrases like 'Moreover,' 'In contrast,' and 'Therefore' can help improve the logical flow and overall readability of your essay.
task achievement
Your examples are relevant, but they should be more detailed to better illustrate your points. For instance, explain why your friend's job as a cashier is considered less complex and less demanding compared to a manager's responsibilities in greater detail.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each body paragraph clearly supports the main thesis and contributes to the essay's overall argument. This will help improve the cohesion and structure of your essay.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction and conclusion are present and align well with the topic.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your essay provides clear and comprehensive ideas which address both sides of the argument.
relevant specific examples
You have included relevant specific examples that support your arguments effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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