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Writing Samples
Band 5

The bar charts show what UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full-time work did after leaving college in 2008. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar charts show what UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full-time work did after leaving college in 2008. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#bar #show #uk #graduate #students #work #college #information #features #comparisons
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The chart illustrates the number of graduate and postgraduate
students
 in
UK
Correct article usage
the UK
show examples
 who did not go into full-time
work
 after leaving college
did
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
in the year 2008.
It is clear that
 both graduate and postgraduate
students
 chose to study more
whereas
 fewer
people
 decided to do voluntary
work
. First of all,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of
students
rating
Wrong verb form
rated
show examples
 29,665
people
 chose their destination as
further
 studies in order to develop
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 skills to get well-paid job
oppotunities
Correct your spelling
opportunities
. It was followed by part-time
work
 which 17,735
students
 decided
.
Change preposition
on.
show examples
 16,235 graduates chose to be unemployed as they thought having more experience and relaxing is more important than getting a job
while
 only 3,500
people
 went to do voluntary
work
.
Similarly
Add a comma
Similarly,
show examples
 the figure
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of postgraduate
students
also
 displayed an almost similar pattern over the year. 2,725
students
 decided to study more related to their course.
Whereas
 2,535 postgraduates made a choice to do part-time
work
 as they needed money before they
get
Wrong verb form
got
show examples
 employed. Followed by
further
 study and part-time
work
, unemployment was in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
third position. 1,625
people
 stayed unemployed
while
 only 345 postgraduates volunteered for
work
 in 2008.
Submitted by wjddbs2206 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "further, whereas, while".
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Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 75%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words students, work, people with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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