IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that video games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?

#people #video #games #fun #tool #effect
Many
considered
Wrong verb form
consider
show examples
 that
video
games
 are harmless entertainment and may
also
 act as a useful learning tool,
while
 others believe that
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 may have harmful effects on the players. My personal thought is that the negative
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 of
video
games
 outweigh
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 benefits as
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 may cause addiction and dangerous influence on children.
Video
games
 may cause addiction because it initiates
natural
Correct article usage
a natural
show examples
 body response to release endorphin, which is the happiness hormone, causing the need to play more. Because our
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 so eager to experience the joyful sensations, players may
spent
Change the verb form
spend
show examples
 hours playing.
Thus
, some may even
got
Change the verb form
get
be got
show examples
 lost track of time. A case once occurred in Indonesia, where a student died
while
 still playing on his computer. The investigator suspected that the person refused to eat for days, so he could dedicate more time
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 gaming.
Although
 it may have educational influences, it has more dangerous effects
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 kids.
As a result
 of some highly violent and sexual
games
, more and more children are copying the negative
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 displayed
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
video
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
.
For example
, a child in Jakarta drove his parent’s car independently without parental guidance resulting in some chaos and accidents on the road. Once the police
have
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
 captured the suspect, it was found that the motive of his actions
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 to
mimick
Correct your spelling
mimic
show examples
 the Grand Theft Auto main character’s
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
. The
down side
Correct your spelling
downside
show examples
 of
video
games
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 certainly more significant compared to
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 beneficial effects. One of its crucial
influence
Fix the agreement mistake
influences
show examples
 is that it may cause dependency on the player’s life, taking the majority of the person’s time.
Moreover
, it may act as a wrong role model for young players.
Submitted by muhammadraditya9 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction
Your introduction is adequately framed, but consider sharpening your thesis statement to clearly articulate your stand on the topic.
coherence
In the body paragraphs, you present relevant points, but some of your sentences could be more concise and focused to improve clarity.
cohesion
The essay sometimes lacks transitions between ideas. Using more linking words and phrases will help the reader follow your argument better.
logical structure
Try to balance the paragraphs better; the second paragraph is more detailed than the first. Strive for equal weight in your argumentation.
relevant specific examples
You provided relevant examples to support your points, which strengthens your argument.
complete response
You managed to cover both sides of the argument, ensuring a balanced examination of the issue.
conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your key points and aligns with your thesis.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!