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Band 1.5

Some parents think computer games are better for children and they should be allowed to play more of them. whereas some parents argue that they are harmful to children. Discuss both views.

#parents #computer #games #children
Some mothers and fathers believe that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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electronic
games
 are good for
thier chlidren
Correct your spelling
their children
 and it is allowed
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them to play as much as
possibol
Correct your spelling
possible
,
While
 others say that these electronic
games
 are bad for them.
While
 some argue that it is good, I
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
show examples
 that it should be restricting and controlling these
games
 by parents.  On one hand, the advancement in
thechnology
Correct your spelling
technology
make
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makes
show examples
the
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apply
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access to these
games
 easier than before and
its
Replace the word
it's
it is
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 available everywhere and
every
Change preposition
at every
show examples
 time. Some
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
 argue that
this
 is better for
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 children than other
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
show examples
, they think it is better for
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 thinking and skills. On
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 hand, the parents that think
the
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apply
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electronic
games
 are
harmfull becuse
Correct your spelling
harmful because
 may
affects
Change the verb form
affect
show examples
 their health, sleeping time, critical thinking and
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 social communication. In conclusion, the use of electronic
games
 should be
restrictred
Correct your spelling
restricted
 and controlled by parents.
Submitted by rashaalbalawi on

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task achievement
Aim to elaborate more on each point. Use specific examples or evidence to support your claims.
task achievement
Strive for more sophisticated vocabulary and sentence structures to enhance clarity and engagement.
coherence cohesion
Improve paragraph transitions to enhance flow and coherence. Ensure each paragraph logically follows the previous one.
coherence cohesion
Work on spelling and grammar errors to ensure clarity. Proofread your work to minimize these small mistakes.
coherence cohesion
Expand the body paragraphs to include more detailed arguments and counterarguments to strengthen your overall discussion.
coherence cohesion
You have presented both sides of the argument clearly, which is essential for this type of essay.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and clearly state your position.
task achievement
The essay remains on topic and discusses both views as required.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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