There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
It is argued that non-academic subjects in schools should be removed from the
school
syllabus because of the pressure on young people
. I completely disagree with this
statement, children can focus on academic work while
learning helpful skills
, because of their young brains.
Firstly
, I think that non-academic lessons that kids and teenagers took
like cookery and physical education are very beneficial for them. Because most of the kids do not learn any of Wrong verb form
take
this
Correct determiner usage
these
skills
in their lives because of their parents. School
is a great way to teach young people
this
kind of things
. I am an example Fix the agreement mistake
thing
for
Change preposition
of
this
, I took physical education classes in high school
because I had to, but now I now
how to play most of the team games, and I am glad that I took Correct your spelling
know
that
classes even though I did not want to.
Correct determiner usage
those
Secondly
, young people
has
faster brains than older Change the verb form
have
people
, they
can concentrate on academic work Correct word choice
so they
while
learning these helpful skills
. They have a lot of time to learn new things, it would not be optimal for them to just focus on academic work in their early life. For instance
, my younger sister is a very good student who cares about her works
, but she is Fix the agreement mistake
work
also
taking cookery class
every week. She is not taking that class for us but herself.
In conclusion, I think non-academic subjects are Fix the agreement mistake
classes
must
, removing them from Correct article usage
a must
school
syllabus is unreasonable. Children should learn Correct article usage
the school
variety
of things, Add an article
a variety
the variety
the
pressure on academic stuff is not enough for them to stop learning other Correct word choice
but the
skills
.Submitted by enver07600 on
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task achievement
To improve task response, ensure that you address the question more comprehensively. You have provided some relevant examples, but try to integrate more varied and specific examples to strengthen your argument further.
task achievement
Work on refining your clear and comprehensive ideas. Sometimes, the ideas you put forward are slightly repetitive or not fully developed. Make sure each paragraph has a strong, distinct point that directly supports your main argument.
coherence cohesion
Enhance your logical structure by ensuring each paragraph smoothly transitions into the next. Try using more transitional phrases and connectors to improve the flow of ideas.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with more detailed examples and explanations. While you gave personal examples, providing real-world instances and data can make your arguments more robust and convincing.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction and conclusion are well-presented, establishing your position clearly and summarizing your points effectively.
logical structure
The essay has a good logical structure overall, with a clear introduction and conclusion.
supported main points
You provide some relevant examples to support your arguments, which adds depth to your discussion.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite