Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

It is widely known that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
compulsory military services for young men after they
graduated
Wrong verb form
graduate
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from school
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
been found in numerous nations, others suggest that it would be a good idea
for implementing
Change preposition
to implement
show examples
the system in all countries for men and possibly women as well for the sake of its nation. The reasons why I disagree with the latter statement will be elaborated on in
this
essay.
To begin
with, it may seem sensible for some to believe that
these mandatory military scheme
Change the determiner
this mandatory military scheme
these mandatory military schemes
show examples
can be beneficial for the country.
This
is possibly because
it's
Unnecessary verb
it
show examples
not only
show
Correct subject-verb agreement
shows
show examples
one's power in military
defenses
Change the spelling
defences
show examples
but
also
a preparation for any possible unexpected intrudes. Take war,
for example
; when the nation is
under
Change preposition
in
show examples
crisis, manpower is needed
beside
Replace the word
besides
show examples
an
officials
Change the noun form
official
show examples
soldier,
citizens
Correct word choice
and citizens
show examples
who have trained military service are playing
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a major role
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
the troops in order to protect their
home
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homes
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.
Additionally
, in some countries like the
states
Capitalize word
States
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, those who worked in the army
likely
Add a missing verb
are likely
show examples
to gain several benefits and earnings compared to
others career
Fix the agreement mistake
other careers
show examples
.
However
, I personally argue in favour of the opponent side. From my perspective,
such
coerced
Correct article usage
a coerced
show examples
scheme can be considered
as
Correct your spelling
an
show examples
undesirable fate as
this
can
taken
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take
be taken
show examples
one's dream away.
Military
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In military
show examples
service in Thailand,
for instance
, these young men's faith
are depend
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depends
show examples
on their own hands when it comes to picking out
between
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apply
show examples
random red and black
card
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cards
show examples
, which the former
mean
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means
show examples
they have to be deployed as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
full-time
soldier
Fix the agreement mistake
soldiers
show examples
instead
of pursuing their civilian
goal
Fix the agreement mistake
goals
show examples
. In summary,
although
it is undeniable that the obliged military training can bring about both personal and national positive
outcome
Fix the agreement mistake
outcomes
show examples
, I am of the opinion that the detrimental
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
of
these scheme
Change the determiner
this scheme
these schemes
show examples
outweight
Correct your spelling
outweigh
outweighs
its benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
their benefits
show examples
and should be revised before
make
Change the verb form
making
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
into
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
practice in order to satisfy the nation's safety and security and their people's right.
Submitted by kamonluck1999 on

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task achievement
The essay states a clear position and supports it with relevant arguments. However, some sentences could be made clearer to improve overall comprehension.
coherence cohesion
Work on sentence structure and grammar to enhance clarity and coherence in your writing. Avoid complex and potentially confusing sentence constructions.
task achievement
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frame the argument well.
task achievement
There are relevant examples provided to support the main arguments, making the essay more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Logical structure of the essay is present, and there is a clear progression in the argument.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Compulsory
  • Military service
  • Conscription
  • Patriotism
  • National security
  • Social equality
  • Discipline
  • Physical fitness
  • Life skills
  • Job training
  • Infringement
  • Conscripts
  • Gender equality
  • Mandatory
  • Economy
  • Education system
  • Labor market
  • Civil service
  • Alternative forms
  • Balanced view
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