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Band 5

Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#countries #service #men #school #idea #system #women
It is widely known that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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compulsory military services for young men after they
graduated
Wrong verb form
graduate
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 from school
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 been found in numerous nations, others suggest that it would be a good idea
for implementing
Change preposition
to implement
show examples
 the system in all countries for men and possibly women as well for the sake of its nation. The reasons why I disagree with the latter statement will be elaborated on in
this
 essay.
To begin
 with, it may seem sensible for some to believe that
these mandatory military scheme
Change the determiner
this mandatory military scheme
these mandatory military schemes
show examples
 can be beneficial for the country.
This
 is possibly because
it's
Unnecessary verb
it
show examples
 not only
show
Correct subject-verb agreement
shows
show examples
 one's power in military
defenses
Change the spelling
defences
show examples
 but
also
 a preparation for any possible unexpected intrudes. Take war,
for example
; when the nation is
under
Change preposition
in
show examples
 crisis, manpower is needed
beside
Replace the word
besides
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 an
officials
Change the noun form
official
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 soldier,
citizens
Correct word choice
and citizens
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 who have trained military service are playing
in
Change preposition
apply
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a major role
for
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in
show examples
 the troops in order to protect their
home
Fix the agreement mistake
homes
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.
Additionally
, in some countries like the
states
Capitalize word
States
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, those who worked in the army
likely
Add a missing verb
are likely
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 to gain several benefits and earnings compared to
others career
Fix the agreement mistake
other careers
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.
However
, I personally argue in favour of the opponent side. From my perspective,
such
coerced
Correct article usage
a coerced
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 scheme can be considered
as
Correct your spelling
an
show examples
 undesirable fate as
this
 can
taken
Change the verb form
take
be taken
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 one's dream away.
Military
Change preposition
In military
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 service in Thailand,
for instance
, these young men's faith
are depend
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depends
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 on their own hands when it comes to picking out
between
Change preposition
apply
show examples
random red and black
card
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cards
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, which the former
mean
Change the verb form
means
show examples
 they have to be deployed as
a
Correct article usage
apply
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full-time
soldier
Fix the agreement mistake
soldiers
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instead
 of pursuing their civilian
goal
Fix the agreement mistake
goals
show examples
. In summary,
although
 it is undeniable that the obliged military training can bring about both personal and national positive
outcome
Fix the agreement mistake
outcomes
show examples
, I am of the opinion that the detrimental
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 of
these scheme
Change the determiner
this scheme
these schemes
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outweight
Correct your spelling
outweigh
outweighs
its benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
their benefits
show examples
 and should be revised before
make
Change the verb form
making
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 into
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
practice in order to satisfy the nation's safety and security and their people's right.
Submitted by kamonluck1999 on

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task achievement
The essay states a clear position and supports it with relevant arguments. However, some sentences could be made clearer to improve overall comprehension.
coherence cohesion
Work on sentence structure and grammar to enhance clarity and coherence in your writing. Avoid complex and potentially confusing sentence constructions.
task achievement
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frame the argument well.
task achievement
There are relevant examples provided to support the main arguments, making the essay more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Logical structure of the essay is present, and there is a clear progression in the argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Compulsory
  • Military service
  • Conscription
  • Patriotism
  • National security
  • Social equality
  • Discipline
  • Physical fitness
  • Life skills
  • Job training
  • Infringement
  • Conscripts
  • Gender equality
  • Mandatory
  • Economy
  • Education system
  • Labor market
  • Civil service
  • Alternative forms
  • Balanced view
What to do next:
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