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Band 5.5

The working week should be shorter and workers should have a longer weekends. Do you agree or disagree?

#week #workers #weekends
The dynamic world and fleeting life in the 21st century require much higher productivity in working than ever before.
Nevertheless
, there are some people who believe that
working
Correct article usage
the working
show examples
week
 should be officially shorter and that off-work days should be longer. I agree with
this
 perspective
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 since it provides people with more
time
 that could be dedicated to personal development and decreases the
stress
,
that is
 directly linked with overloading
due to
 the work. First of all, shortening the workdays gives workers enough
time
 to do personal tasks,
such
 as developing a hobby, doing a sport, and spending
time
 with family. Often, people, following a tough schedule provided by a job, do not have enough
time
 to visit parents and loved ones when 2 weekends of the
week
 are spent finishing a few extra tasks or house chores.
However
, even without extra
tasks
Add a comma
tasks,
show examples
 it is hard to manage the
time
 equally for family, for hobby, and
for
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apply
show examples
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
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.
As a result
, it can lead to worsening of the relationships with family members.
For example
, the kids of overloaded parents often grow isolated from their family, which is witnessed through their
not close
Add a hyphen
not-close
show examples
 relationship.
Long
Correct article usage
A long
show examples
 working
week
 is not convenient
to pay
Change preposition
for paying
show examples
 enough attention to
presonal
Correct your spelling
personal
 relationships.
Secondly
, the vast majority of individuals have
a problems
Correct the article-noun agreement
a problem
problems
show examples
 with
the
Correct article usage
apply
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focusing, which is the result of increased
stress
 from the job responsibilities that they have
whole
Add an article
a whole
show examples
week
. They are under the pressure of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
deadlines, and it is mostly physically and psychologically difficult for a person. Indeed,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
high
stress
 leads to anxiety and lack of focus, and it results in
decrease
Add an article
a decrease
the decrease
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
effectivity
Replace the word
effectiveness
show examples
 and productivity at work.
For instance
, the experiment conducted in Gothenburg revealed that members of the group that worked 5 days a
week
 were more physically active, less stressed, and experienced less back and neck pain rather than the control group that worked 6 or 7 days a
week
. In conclusion, there is no doubt that the more working hours the higher the efficiency and value of what a person
did
Wrong verb form
does
show examples
. Yet, upon examining the
numerious
Correct your spelling
numerous
 advantages of the shorter working
week
, I am convinced that shortening the workdays would decrease
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
stress
 and give more freedom to manage their
time
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the purpose of personal development.
Submitted by IELTS nis on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a clear response to the prompt, explaining why you agree with the perspective that the working week should be shorter. However, to reach a higher score, ensure that your examples are highly specific and directly support your arguments. Likewise, addressing counterarguments can showcase your critical thinking skills.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is generally well-structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, some of the sentences could be more concise to improve readability. Additionally, use a variety of cohesive devices to smoothly connect your points.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames your argument effectively.
logical structure
Your main points are logical and comprehensible, and your essay is generally well-organized, making it easy to follow.
supported main points
You provide relevant examples and explanations to support your main points, which strengthens your argument.
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