All over the world,societies are facing a growing problem with obesity. This problem affects both children and adults. What are the reasons for this rise in obesity? How could it be tackled?

#world #societies #obesity #children #adults #rise

Over the

few

Correct word choice

past few

show examples

years, it has

became

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become

show examples

less important than having a

health

Replace the word

healthy

show examples

diet

and always

sport

As a

result

Add a comma

result,

show examples

it is becoming

eirdent

Correct your spelling

evident

ardent

that

obesity

rates

Verb problem

show examples

a serious

problem

which

Correct word choice

that

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adults and youngsters

suffering

Wrong verb form

suffer

show examples

This

Change preposition

In this

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essay I will look at the reasons for

this

trend and propose some solutions. One of the main causes of

this

problem

is that

people

eating

Wrong verb form

eat

show examples

too much unhealthy food and have a poor

diet

People

eat underdone food like junk food

instead

of proteins and vitamins. Children

poor

Change preposition

with poor

show examples

diet

Fix the agreement mistake

diets

show examples

run the risk of growth and can persist for

rest

Correct article usage

the rest

show examples

of their

life

Fix the agreement mistake

lives

show examples

as being overweight. In the USA,

for example

people

consume white flour

that

Correct pronoun usage

which

show examples

has poor nutritional value than other

grain

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grains

show examples

. Dealing with

this

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these

show examples

issues

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issue

show examples

people

should get their proper

the

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apply

show examples

nutrition from

balanced

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a balanced

show examples

diet

with

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show examples

consuming fresh fruit and vegetables, whole grains, legumes and lean proteins. Another

problem

is that many

people

are less active.

Sedentary

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A sedentary

show examples

lifestyle is beckoning more and more children, meaning that youngsters may

Add a missing verb

be inline

show examples

inline

Correct your spelling

in line

show examples

Change preposition

with

show examples

obesity

or even inadequate development. Children are obsessed with video games and are unable to organize their regime of

sport

Fix the agreement mistake

sports

show examples

. Added to

this

is the strain main resulting from being inactive. To tackle

this

problem

people

should do regular

sport

. When you are

phsically

Correct your spelling

physically

active your heart and muscles, get

chance

Correct article usage

a chance

show examples

to reduce additional fat and

stimulates

Correct subject-verb agreement

stimulate

show examples

the release of endorphins. A third cause of the

problem

that

Correct determiner usage

the

show examples

high amount of

strees

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stress

. Daily

strees

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stress

stresses

also

contributes

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contribute

show examples

some

Change preposition

to some

show examples

level of

harmones

Correct your spelling

harm

involved in hunger and

sotiety

Correct your spelling

society

satiety

and can

empour

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empower

cognitive

process

Fix the agreement mistake

processes

show examples

such

as self-regulation

strees

Correct your spelling

stress

streets

trees

causes

harmonal

Correct your spelling

hormonal

changes that can increase sugar and blood levels in

blood

Add an article

the blood

show examples

, causing

people

to crave foods high in calories, fat and sugar. Take the USA as an example.

According to

medican

Correct your spelling

medical

researchers, in the US more than 40 per cent of

people

have

Verb problem

are

show examples

obesity

Replace the word

obese

show examples

Remove the comma

apply

show examples

because

streesive

Replace the word

of a stressful

show examples

lifestyle.

This

problem

could be addressed by getting enough sleep. Getting enough energy can help

Correct pronoun usage

you to

show examples

think clearly and have more energy. To

seem

Verb problem

sum

show examples

up, having

Replace the word

too

show examples

much overweight has been jumping for

long

Change the article

a long

show examples

time,

due to

reason

Fix the agreement mistake

reasons

show examples

such

as poor

diet

, sedentary lifestyle and

strees

Correct your spelling

stress

This

is a serious

problem

and unless we tackle

this

problem

we might face

Change preposition

apply

show examples

plentiful

death

Fix the agreement mistake

deaths

show examples

because of

obesity

between

Change preposition

among

show examples

both grown-upand and youngsters. My view is that

people

who are overweight

they

Correct pronoun usage

apply

show examples

should obey to balanced

diet

regular

Add a missing verb

do regular

show examples

sport

and enough sleep.

Submitted by nursultonergashov19 on Wed Sep 11 2024

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task response

Your essay addresses the task and presents relevant points about the causes of obesity and possible solutions. However, try to ensure each point is well-supported with clear and specific examples.

coherence cohesion

Your essay has a logical structure with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, some points in the body paragraphs could be organized more coherently. For example, you may want to present each cause and corresponding solution in separate paragraphs for clearer linkage between points.

general

Work on improving your grammar and vocabulary. There are several grammatical errors, such as sentence fragments and incorrect verb forms. Additionally, some phrases could be more precise and formal.

task achievement

You have effectively discussed multiple causes and solutions for obesity, ensuring a well-rounded response to the task.

coherence cohesion

The introduction and conclusion are clear and work well to frame your argument.

general

Despite certain errors, you've attempted a variety of sentence structures and vocabulary, which is commendable.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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8Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
6Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
57Grammar mistakes
 

5 paragraphs

400 words

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

Obesity
Overweight
Epidemic
Sedentary
Processed food
Fast food
Nutritional education
Awareness
Stress
Emotional eating
Genetic factors
Access
Healthy food options
Marketing
Urbanization
Lifestyles

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All over the world,societies are facing a growing problem with obesity. This problem affects both children and adults. What are the reasons for this rise in obesity? How could it be tackled?

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Some people think that it’s a good to socialise with work colleagues during evenings and weekends. Other people think it’s important to keep working life completely separate from social life. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

Some government say how many children a family can have in their country. they may control the number of children someone has through taxes it is sometimes necessary and right for a government to control the population in this way. do you agree or disagree?

Some people claim that not enough of the waste from homes is recycled. They say that the only way to increase recycling is for governments to make a legal requirement. To what extent do you think laws are needed to make people recycke more of their waste.

Many minority languages are disappearing around the world. What are the causes of this phenomenon? What measures can be taken to preserve these languages?