Some people think children should do extracurricular activities after school. Others think this will make them under presure. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Although
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
It’s commonly believe
Change the verb form
It’s commonly believed
show examples
that extra-curricular
activities
ought to be done by
students
after
school
, some people believe that
children
will
under
Add a missing verb
be under
show examples
pressure.In my opinion, I consider that
extra curricular
Correct your spelling
extracurricular
show examples
activities
help
students
develop their character. On the one hand, some people think that
children
who study at
school
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
should do extra-curricular
activities
after
school
and I agree.
In other words
,
students
who are involved
extra-curricular
Change preposition
in extra-curricular
show examples
activities
are more motivated than others.
For example
,
students
generally apply themselves and work harder at
school
however
don’t forget about physical
activities
to help them develop their behaviors, habits, and many more.
Furthermore
, being driven to develop
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
version of themselves is vital in order to succeed not only at
school
but
also
in life when , as adults, they must be stubborn and
strong-wild
Correct your spelling
strong
show examples
on the road
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
success
On the other hand
, it
is usually believe
Change the verb form
is usually believed
show examples
that it is better if
students
involve
Wrong verb form
are involved
show examples
they will feel under pressure.
Additionally
, most parents desire and choose extra-curricular
activities
for their
children
also
without
children
’s desires.
For instance
, some
students
feel pressure
due to
extra-curricular
activities
that they don’t want to get involved
,
Change preposition
in, thus
show examples
thus
, it leads to bad
academy
Replace the word
academic
show examples
performance at
school
and not wanting to study. The
children
are being deprived of
opportunity
Add an article
the opportunity
an opportunity
show examples
to choose for themselves obviously, they will need someone to choose for them in the future. In conclusion,
while
people may vary in their opinions, I think that
children
stand a better chance to succeed both in
school
and in life if they’re encouraged to
involved
Add a missing verb
be involved
show examples
Change preposition
in extra-curricular
show examples
extra-curricular
Correct your spelling
extracurriculars
show examples
after
school
.
Submitted by s_syedy on

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complete response
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clear comprehensive ideas
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complete response
The essay addresses both views on the topic and provides an opinion, which wholly meets the task requirements.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction and conclusion are present and effectively frame the essay.
logical structure
The logical structure of the essay is clear, and it is generally easy to follow.

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